SWM Seeks Crazy, Pretty Girl

When will Stephenie's pain end? Will she ever be a member of a winning tribe? If the first three episodes of Survivor: Guatemala are any indication, no. Not unless Mark Burnett suddenly feels the urge to make Survivor: All-Stars 2.

Demoralized after attending their first Tribal Council, the Yaxha tribe rallied behind Brian, architect of Morgan's ouster. However, Brian's self-congratulatory jubilation wasn't enough to overcome his team's lack of organization during the Reward Challenge. Despite leading early as blind-folded team members hunted for parts of a tent, Yaxha couldn't work together when they actually had to assemble the tent. As the physically weaker team, they have to win this type of challenge to stand a chance.

Nakum returned to camp with the blankets, pillows and lanterns they'd won, only to have the men start muttering about Margaret. There must be something abrasive about her that doesn't translate to television. Viewers have seen Margaret helping injured teammates and working around camp, but this is the second week in a row that we've heard complaints about her. Last week, she was criticized for spending too much time tending to Blake when he had trouble breathing. The stage is being set for Margaret to be voted off, but it would be nice if viewers could get a better sense of why.

At the Immunity Challenge, Yaxha was stomped in a game of Court Ball, a Mayan version of basketball in which a member of the losing team would lose his head. When Jeff failed to appear with an axe, it showed that the producers don't really care about authenticity. Nakum was able to win easily, since apparently Brianna missed every day of gym class and has never played a sport in her life. Sentiment around camp was very negative towards her, and Stephenie referred to her dismissively as "a makeup artist." Jamie's bitterness toward Brianna has temporarily made him my favorite castaway. He called her a girly-girl and told her to go back to the mall. Jamie proceeded to describe his ideal girl as "crazy and pretty", and said that Brianna was neither. He was able to put into words what every basketball fan felt as they watched Brianna stand on the side as her teammates struggled: go back to the mall, makeup artist.

I Remember Why I Hate The Apprentice

Only two episodes into the season, and already some of the flaws of The Apprentice brand are apparent in the new Martha Stewart edition. Producers, feeling the need to fill the role of villain, cast someone really annoying and not all that villainous. Jim's rabid push to get Dawn fired isn't conniving or strategic. He's acting like a bully, and everyone knows that you don't have to be particularly clever to be a bully.

Understandably, each subsequent season of any reality show is tainted by contestants who've been exposed to the show. These contestants are familiar with types of people that were cast previously as well as what kind of conduct makes it to air. The Real World may be the worst example of this problem. Today's cast members are nothing like the original cast, but the first version set the mold that's still in use. There's always a girl from the sticks with sex issues (too much or too little of it), a jock who plays around, a minority, a nosy alterna-chick, and a homosexual. The Austin cast, while lacking a strict homosexual, has a couple of girls who will kiss each other in public when intoxicated. I suppose that counts.

Unfortunately for The Apprentice, producers have been keen on having one outright villain each season. Omarosa, the original Apprentice bad girl, has become synonymous with reality TV knavery, so much so that one needs to refer to her by first name only. (It hardly bears noting that one may not know how to spell Omarosa's last name). What she had that the scoundrels who've followed her have lacked is the total absence of self-awareness. Viewers saw Omarosa being herself, with every move and statement she made justified in her own mind. It made no sense to her that people would be upset that she played basketball within hours of claiming a head injury and bailing out of work.

Anyone cast to stir up trouble after that knew that they'd get airtime if they held fast to ridiculous positions and pretended that they believed everything they said. Jim is very clearly putting on an act. In the boardroom, he oversells his nodding and agreeing with Martha and the viceroys. He barks orders and makes noise far longer than anyone who was really trying to make a point would; in reality, you'd just throw up your hands, call everyone else an idiot and leave the room. Jim's just annoying at this point, and his agenda against Dawn makes it clear that this is an act, not some eccentric fixation. If we're lucky, the fact that he's already been in the conference room twice should show Martha that Jim just doesn't fit in.

Don't Always Bet on Black

For many fans of The Amazing Race, the prospect of having families with children competing on the show was horrifying. What's consistently been one of the smartest and most dramatic reality competition programs had the potential to become an annoying, cheesy self-parody. Luckily, producers cast only two families with pre-teens, and those they picked seemed well-suited to this level of competition. The Black family participates in martial arts together, and everyone in the Gaghan family is a runner. And even though the Blacks were the first to be eliminated, their departure was due more to a lack of urgency and travel experience than to the ages of the kids.

The Gaghans, on the other hand, could be around for a long time. Besides being long distance runners, Carissa and Billy are also obviously gifted kids. Their precocious natures and heightened levels of curiosity will keep them interested in a game that lasts for weeks. It helps that something as simple as a car radio is enough to completely entrance Billy. And recent studies have shown that teenagers are horrible at reading emotions and body language, so the teams with teens could have more interpersonal problems than Bill and Tammy Gaghan and their two pre-teen kids.

Other observations on the first episode:
-The Paolos looked poised for a meltdown, but Brian gets lots of credit for being the only person to recognize Kevin and Drew of TAR 1 at the hot dog stand.
-The Linz family should be playing much better than they are, but at least they're funny.
-The Weaver family lost their dad when he was hit by a car, and now mom, Linda, has been run over by an Amish buggy. I hope that some day the kids can appreciate the coincidence. I thought it was hilarious. Guess I won't be spending eternity with the Weavers.
-I believe the proverb goes "The journey of 11,000 miles starts with a trip to Philly."
-You can't rely on Wesley Snipes for gambling advice.

Life After Rock Star

Now that Rock Star: INXS is over, I've got 2 1/2 hours of Prime Time back every week. What will I do with all this freedom?

Monday: A light night, with Arrested Development being my only must-see show. And I'll even have to tape that since it's Dungeons and Dragons night. No, I'm not kidding. I bought my first 20-sided die last year at the age of 27, and I don't intend on putting it down any time soon.

Tuesday: David Boreanaz's weird comic timing makes me predisposed to like Bones, but it's a show I'm willing to sacrifice. Supernatural is one of my favorite new programs because of the interaction between the two lead actors, but this week it's getting taped in favor of the 2-hour season premiere of The Amazing Race 8. Look for the Paolo family to struggle early; Tony and Marion are two of the oldest and least physically fit parents, and I don't know if their two sons will be able to carry them, literally or figuratively. However, it would be awfully fun to see the Godlewski sisters efforts dissolve into bickering before they even reach the first clue box. The Real World may have to wait until one of its 27 re-airs this week. Here's a show summary in advance: roommates get drunk and fight, then romance between roommates. There's really no point in even watching the show anymore, and yet I still do.

Wednesday: Another full night, kicking off with The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. While I enjoyed the first episode, there's still a good chance that the contestants could turn ugly. Oops, guess I was too late. After Martha, there's Lost followed by Invasion. It's great to see character actor William Fichtner starring in Invasion. Chicago Sun-Times TV critic Doug Elfman described Fichtner as having "the blank-faced stare of the world's most confident weirdo." Well said.

Thursday: The season premiere of Smallville gets taped in favor of Survivor: Guatemala. There's just something about reality shows that demands you watch them in real time. Although I am really looking forward to Lex finally confessing his love for Clark in this season of Smallville. C'mon, everyone knows what's really going on there.

Friday: Old yellow eyes is back with Brent "Data" Spiner and the crew of Threshold. And there's always What Not To Wear, one of the most useful shows on cable. It's helped me to purge my closet of all my tapered pants and cartoon character sweatshirts. And now it's muumuu day every day.

The Amazing Race 8: Preview

The eighth season of The Amazing Race returns to CBS on Tuesday night, and for the first time, teams will consist of families of four instead of pairs. The producers cast teams that represented a cross-section of American families. But of course, there were also certain niches production aimed to fill with the families they chose. Here's an introduction to the families--and the roles they're meant to play:

Hailing from Shreveport, Lousiana, the Rogers family is the show's control group. Denny, 46, is married to Renee, 42. They're joined by their kids, Brittney, 22, and Brock, 19. They appear to be an average, middle-class family. The kids seem like relatively well-adjusted young adults who get along with their parents. There may be little potential for fireworks here.

Blow ups are more likely in a foursome of siblings, especially in the Godlewski family. This team is made of four blond sisters who range in age from 26-42 and tend to cry a lot. Being raised in Des Plaines, Illinois, these girls have developed strong Chicago accents, and I'd be remiss if I didn't refer to them as Team Ditka from now on.

The other all-sibling team is the terrifying Linz family from Cincinnati, Ohio. Megan and her brothers, Nick, Alex, and Tommy all have matching orange shirts and blindingly white teeth; they're good looking enough to make most of us instantly hate them. They're physically fit with tons of confidence and an average age of 21.5. If they lose, then they must be cursed or really, really stupid.

The Linz family are one of the season's three Alpha Families. These families are intense, fit, well-oiled machines. Alpha Families live for challenges where they can not only excel, but can effectively crush the competition. The Schroders are the season's second such family. Mark and Char (who looks like Cher) work out a lot and like to take their two kids, Stassi and Hunter, on cool vacations. Stassi, 17, is totally poised and confident in front of the camera. Fortunately, Hunter is a sullen 15-year-old who makes this bunch of overachievers seem a bit more human and less Stepford-family. They're from New Orleans, and it'll be interesting to see how they're edited after Hurricane Katrina.

The third Alpha Family is the Gaghans from Glastonbury, Connecticut. They're the cute family with the adorable little girl, Carissa, who falls asleep in the car in the TAR commercial. Carissa says she wants to do the show so she'll be popular. She's one savvy 9-year-old. Carissa's parents, Bill and Tammy, run marathons. Carissa and her 12-year-old brother, Billy, aren't nearly so athletic; they only participate in 5K events. What pre-teen can't at least do a half-marathon?

At least one of the teams has to be sentimental favorites, and that looks to be the Weavers from Ormond Beach, Florida. 46-year-old Linda has had a hard time parenting her three teens since her husband's death two years ago. She's bringing her son and two daughters on the race, so that they can get a fresh start and grow closer to one another.

The show also needs funny teams. The Paolos are from New York City and follow a tradition of humorous teams from NYC. Tony immigrated to the U.S. as a kid and works as a garbage man. His two sons give him a hard time for mangling English. Mix in a mother who's just happy to get out of the house for a few weeks, and let laughter ensue.

Wally Bransen of Park Ridge, Illinois, brought his three daughters on the show so that he could crack jokes about how they wouldn't be spending this much time with him unless there was a chance to win $1 million. Having been raised in the Chicago suburbs, I can tell you that this is typical dad-humor of the region. Count on Wally to also joke about how the girls kidnapped him from the Old Folks Home for this, or that the girls are lucky they got their looks from their mother.

Tony Aiello, who kind of sounds like Ernie's platonic friend Bert, but with a Boston accent, somehow tricked or bullied his three sons-in-law into running the race with him. The guys will all be on their best behavior while Tony half-teases them about not being good enough for his daughters. And while they've already identified each teammate's strongest skills, there's no way Tony's letting any of those guys drive, navigate, or hold the money. And props to the old man for figuring out a way to keep these guys from having sex with his daughters for six weeks.

Lastly, there's this season's black family, the Black family. They seem like a great family; they all participate in Tae Kwon Do together (the kids are actually more advanced than the adults) and really care about each other. But it's going to be impossible to mention them without doing all sorts of "Who's on first?" qualifying. It doesn't help when Reggie, the dad, says in their pre-show interview, "America, watch out for the Black family!" C'mon, that's totally hilarious. I'll go out on a limb and guess that Reggie did that on purpose.

I Will Now Make My Assistant Disappear

Bobby Jon avoided Tribal Council for the first time on tonight's Survivor: Guatemala. And the inevitable plotting against Stephenie has begun.

After returning from last week's Tribal Council, it looked as if Blake might be a goner. He couldn't breathe or keep food down, and his shoulder still hurt. Amazingly, he was able to win the Fishing Gear Reward Challenge for Nakum, only to resume his rigorous schedule of naps when they got back to camp. Blake's lack of effort around camp rubbed Brandon and Judd the Chud the wrong way, prompting Judd to ask, "How much relaxin' does this guy need?" Normally, I'd cut Blake a break since a tree fell on him; but if he was really that hurt, wouldn't it show during the challenges?

Rafe proved to be the weak link on Yaxha during the Reward Challenge when he exhibited less upper body strength than, well, everyone else on the planet. Yaxha had a chance to win the Immunity Challenge, which started with both teams engaged in tug-of-war. Neither team won, although Danni had the best moment of the night when she told Brian that Gary had been an NFL quarterback. I have no idea how she knew Gary had hidden that from his team, but it was an excellent move on her part. Nakum swept three individual rounds of tug-of-war to win: Judd defeated Gary and Jamie, and Brandon also beat Jamie. Judd the Chud became Judd the Stud.

Somehow, Rafe's name never came up during discussions of whom should be voted out of Yaxha; Stephenie, Morgan and Lydia were the prime candidates. It looked as if Lydia would be booted out of fear that she'd be a handicap during challenges. But her efforts around camp, and Morgan's laziness, motivated Brian to take up Lydia's cause. Shortly before Tribal Council, Brian convinced all of his tribemates to vote for Morgan, who, when the votes were read, looked as shocked as if she'd just seen David Blaine levitate. And then, POOF! Morgan disappeared.

I Thought 'Prison Break' Was On Mondays

When NBC announced The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, I really wanted to like the show. I've enjoyed her other shows, although Martha never could convince me to shop at Kmart. Since Trump's Apprentice started to decline in quality after, oh, the first season, I had high hopes that Martha would bring freshness and class to the franchise. I'm pleased to see that she did just that. This season, I'm not even going to give Trump's version a shot. Trump = Old and Busted; Martha = The New Hotness.

If you based all of your opinions about the new show on the contestants alone, you wouldn't be left with much. There's the stock socially awkward, intense guy who will be gone in a few episodes, a bunch of blond women who kind of look alike (right down to their matching red suitcases), and the overbearing alpha male who was first to go. And it's just plain funny that, at 64, Martha is far and away the best looking woman on the show.

But there's a politeness to Martha's Apprentice that makes it very watchable. Martha recognizes the losing team for putting a lot of effort into their task, and then writes a thank you note the contestant she kicks off. Heck, she calls the contestants herself to tell them where to meet her in the morning. Even her grammar is great; when introducing her "viceroys" (daughter, Alexis, and Board Chairman, Charles) she said, "They are virtually my eyes and ears." Virtually, not literally, which is the more common but incorrect phrasing.

And tonight's task of writing an updated version of a fairy tale gives me the chance to plug one of my favorite authors. Gail Carson Levine specializes in updating fairy tales and is best known for writing Ella Enchanted, a retelling of Cinderella. Even though her books may be shelved in young adult or juvenile fiction, don't let that deter you; her books are timeless and suitable for all ages. I recommend any of the books in the Princess Tales collection. If you're in the mood for romance, try trading chapters and reading the book aloud with your sweetie. Sappy but effective. For more information, check out: http://www.harperchildrens.com/hch/author/author/levine/

Welcome Back to Chicago, Marty!

Marty Casey won the real prize by finishing second to J.D. Fortune on the finale of Rock Star: INXS. Even though J.D. was named "Rock Star," Marty and his band The Lovehammers will be opening for INXS on an upcoming world tour. All that, and a new car, too.

Mercifully, the first portion of the show proceeded as many viewers hoped it would. After the contestants performed their solo songs, Mig was eliminated. I'm not sure what hurt him more, tonight's lousy performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" or his past stint as Wags the Dog on the kids' TV show, The Wiggles. I'm sure INXS took in to consideration the fact that Mig's core fan base isn't even old enough to earn an allowance.

Following the elimination, INXS performed one of their songs with each of the two finalists; Marty sang "Don't Change" and J.D. performed "What You Need." Both did well, and it turns out that the members of INXS are still kind of cool. Well, Pengilly's as cool as you can be playing sax while sporting a Snidely Whiplash moustache. But Garry's over forty and still looks good in leather pants, and Tim's sunglasses are actually appropriate when he's on stage.

J.D. finally won me over tonight with his response when Dave Navarro asked early in the show if J.D. had considered driving his new car into the pool: "Where am I gonna live if this doesn't work out?" INXS made the right choice, and good luck on the world tour, J.D. Sorry, but I'll be busy visiting http://www.suziemcneil.ca and won't make it to the concert.

A Week of Finales

Summer officially ends on Thursday, and so must the remaining summer reality TV shows. In addition to the Rock Star: INXS finale, Tuesday is the rematch episode of the surprise hit Dancing With the Stars. Wednesday is the final competition and reunion show for Bravo's Battle of the Network Reality Stars.

Having been a long time fan of competitive ballroom dancing on PBS, I thoroughly enjoyed Dancing With the Stars. Admittedly, the "stars" they lined up for the program made it look like it would be a real dog. But, thanks to good show structure, a funny host in Tom Bergeron, and participants with at least some potential as dancers (well, except for Evander Holyfield), the program was legitimately fun to watch. And John O'Hurley deserves a lot of credit for being able to be charming and funny while totally out of breath. As for the questions surrounding the voting when the show originally ended, Kelly Monaco had a built-in, rabid soap opera fan base that John could never compete with. I can't explain the way the judges voted, but I always expected Kelly would win. I'm just glad there was a controversy so I could see some more ballroom on TV.

As a side note, Dancing With the Stars produced the most disturbing moment of my summer. I spoke to my mother after one of the episodes, and she actually said, "That Kelly Monaco is so sexy." Never have I heard my mom use the word 'sexy' before, and I'd prefer that I never hear her use it again.

Battle of the Network Reality Stars has proven similarly silly and amusing. Kind of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge for an older demographic, BoNRS (hee hee) cast many of the regulars from the MTV show. I've always liked Coral and Theo, so it was nice to see them with new teammates, especially folks like Matt "Joe Schmo" Gould and Chip & Kim of Amazing Race 5. But I was most happy to see Brian Worth, hero of the second edition of Average Joe. He represents all that is Boston; he's a guy who wouldn't hesitate to bail on a date with a model for a chance to meet his favorite member of the Red Sox, Tim Wakefield. Brian's famous line on Average Joe, "Ironman, I am not," is frequently repeated in the Broken-Ox household. And no matter which team wins on Wednesday, we can always reminisce about the time Charla jousted with The Swan.

J.D. Has a Will?

Marty failed to take advantage of a golden opportunity during the penultimate episode of Rock Star: INXS. The Final Three were given their choice of any song that had been previously performed by anyone on the show for their final performance on Tuesday night. Instead of following his first instinct and choosing J.D.'s song "Pretty Vegas," Marty picked Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here," a song he performed several weeks ago. By picking a safe song instead of trying to beat J.D. at his own game, Marty may have doomed himself.

Tonight's non-performance show succeeded at making Mig look like a total fool. Mig's speech about feeling like he earned his place in the Final Three was followed by genius commentary from Marty, who theorized that Mig's strategy must be to save it all for the finale since he hasn't shown much thus far.

The clinic for the week was a songwriting session with Andrew Farriss, who said he was pleasantly surprised by Mig's writing. "Pleasantly surprised" is Australian for "you stink." Andrew was impressed with Marty's lyrics, as well as his willingness to collaborate. As in the recording studio clinic, J.D. came unprepared to the session with Andrew, who was taken aback at this. Andrew said J.D.'s got great ideas and passion, but that he needs to start getting those ideas down on paper. And even though the final product was good, Andrew has to know that if J.D. is picked, Andrew will be the one doing most of the work.

Mig's song selection was one of the stupidest things I've seen in this series. Thinking that he'd lost his reputation as "the guy who starred in the Queen musical," Mig picked "Bohemian Rhapsody." Not smart. He's a tiny guy with a high pitched voice and a girlish haircut - all I can think about him is that he's the guy who starred in the Queen musical. Mig's a goner and everyone knows it but him.

J.D. made a brilliant choice with "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones, which is apparently in his will as a song he wants played at his funeral. This raises the question - how is J.D. organized enough to have a will? And as a guy who's supposedly homeless, what does he have to leave to anyone? "To my sister, I leave my collection of unflattering hats." Despite that, it's a great song choice because it will show off J.D.'s voice and style, and all he has to do is perform it better than Ty did. If J.D. performed the whole song choking on one of Dave Navarro's nipple rings, he'd still do better than Ty.

At this point, I'm done speculating. It's Marty or J.D., and I almost don't care which one it is. It'll be fun to see Mig's ego get crushed, and I'll endure J.D.'s non-answers to questions. But if the rejects show up and I have to see Ty stick his tongue out one more time, I'm gonna be pissed.

Medic!

Survivor: Guatemala distinguished itself from previous seasons by filling its first episode with abundant dry heaving. It was a triumph for the out-of-shape, as 4 of the strongest contestants succumbed to dehydration within the first 24 hours.

The game began with contestants already divided into two teams: Nakum - Margaret, Jim, Blake, Judd, Cindy, Danni, Brandon and Brooke - and Yaxha - Brianna, Lydia, Gary, Jamie, Morgan, Rafe, Brian and Amy. When high priest Jeff Probst revealed this season's twist, Stephenie and Bobby Jon of Survivor: Palau magically appeared atop the ruined temple. Steph was assigned to Yaxha and Bobby Jon to Nakum as full-fledged members of the tribes.

Players endured an 11-mile hike through the jungle for their reward: flint and the better of the two camps. Along the way, a thorny tree branch fell on Blake, injuring his shoulder, and almost as soon as Nakum won the challenge, Margaret had to nurse most of the men of her tribe back to health. Brandon was the only man not to suffer from dehydration, and if I had to see one more shot of Bobby Jon's eyes rolling back in his head, I was going to pass out for him. It was no surprise that Nakum lost the immunity challenge the next day. Jim tore his bicep during the challenge, making everyone's choice easy.

Big props to Gary for lying about his last name and occupation; hopefully he can keep his NFL past a secret for all 39 days. Next week, Blake dry heaves some more. I can hardly wait.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

WHAT WAS THAT?! I guess INXS wasn't actually watching Mig's performance of "What You Need" tonight, or they would've axed him instead of Suzie. Mig doesn't have the low vocal range needed for most INXS songs, let alone stage presence, and Suzie does. She was given the kiss-of-death song "Suicide Blonde" and still sang better than Mig. Whether their decision was motivated by pressure to please Australian fans, Mark Burnett's orders, or some weird ideas about what was best for the show, it certainly wasn't made on what was right for the band.

There were several in attendence (besides Suzie) who weren't pleased with the decision. When Tim Farriss made his pronouncement, Marty and J.D. both dropped to the ground like they'd been shot. And Dave Navarro looked like he was trying not to punch Tim, since the interactions between Dave and Suzie have been some of the best moments of the series. After Suzie made her farewell remarks, Andrew Farriss spoke, with Garry Beers sitting to his right. Garry sat there with his hand over his mouth, looking like he wasn't happy about what they'd just done.

As for the rest of the show, Marty got the encore, the audience picked J.D. for the other encore, and then he joined Suzie and Mig in the Bottom 3. J.D. had the best night of anyone, singing "Pretty Vegas" for the fourth time, but accompanied only by Raphael and Jim on guitars. J.D. also did a solid job with "By My Side," and has proven that he and Suzie are the only ones who can sing INXS songs well. Since Suzie's gone, J.D. should win by default.

I'm sure this is not the last we'll hear of Suzie, especially if she takes my advice and starts touring as "Sweet Suzie McNeil and The House Band." Hell, I'd go see them before INXS. Then again, when you go to an INXS show in the future, you'll also get to see the prize winning hog and the biggest pumpkin in the county, so that's a bonus. But right now, I'm gonna make myself feel better the same way Suzie would. So, who's gonna let me drink champagne off of their foot?

Mig is a Wuss

The final performance show of Rock Star: INXS started with a bang and ended with a girlish squeal. After all these episodes, viewers are left to wonder, "How the heck did Mig avoid the Bottom 3 this whole time?"

Suzie started things off with "Interstate Love Song" by Stone Temple Pilots, a bad song for her voice, and she wasn't sure when to come in on the first chorus. Still she did run about the stage and in the crowd, which is always where she wins me over. I try to imagine what it'd be like in the audience for all of these performances, and Suzie's always the performer I'd most like to see live. She did a great version of "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes, a song I usually don't like but was able to enjoy when performed by her.

J.D. reprised "Pretty Vegas," this time with a glittery megaphone. INXS clearly likes this song and sees its hit single potential. He also performed Pink Floyd's "Money," which has weird timing that makes it hard to sing. He did a great job with it and established himself as the clear front runner. I'm never gonna get why people think he's hot, but that's not why you choose a lead singer. Right?

Marty and Wee Dave Navarro did an unplugged version of his song "Trees." But Marty wasn't as exciting as he normally is when he performed his second song, Radiohead's "Creep." The song's a downer, but there are lots of times when the restrained fury he's shown before would've been perfect. Instead we got lots of screaming and bulging neck veins, along with some embarrassing faux-operatic cooing near the end of the song. It's too bad INXS picked it for him; it doesn't sound anything like an INXS song, and all it did was highlight Marty's shortcomings.

Speaking of short things, Mig ended the show with the second embarrassing set of the evening. Granted, he was doomed by the songs INXS assigned him, but he did nothing to help himself. "Paint It, Black" by the Rolling Stones showed that he can't connect with any heavy or dark material, and Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" has such stupid lyrics and bad vocal jumps from chest voice to head voice that there's not much anyone can do to make it sound good. It's the love theme from Batman Forever, for Pete's sake! INXS wasn't impressed and Wee Dave topped off the absurdity by asking Mig to take his jacket off. Then, Mig foolishly agreed to do it, showing off his 120 pounds of pure muscle, baby.

Ugh. Please, people, don't do this to me. Don't make me have to watch spry little Mig prance about any longer. I'm sure there's some Bee Gees musical in the works that he'd be perfect for.

Survivor: Guatemala Preview

Summer's over and it's Survivor time again! This season is set in Guatemala, affording contestants the opportunity to deface and mock the relics of ancient civilizations. The ugly American strikes again. This cast is interesting because there are no African-American Survivors. I can only assume that the camp sites are nowhere near bodies of water, because what's a season of Survivor without the stereotype-fulfilling black person who can't swim? It may actually be a refreshing change of pace to eliminate at least one of the stereotypes, although it's too soon to tell if Lydia will renew the role of loud, angry Latina, originated by Sandra in Pearl Islands ("I can get loud, too, what the f---!").

In anticipation of Thursday's Survivor: Guatemala premiere, I've used the bios at CBS.com to give a rough ranking of the contestants. I'll qualify this, since I know there's no chance that this will be the real order of elimination, by saying that these are general placements - basically who's likely to go quickly and who might be around for a while. Or, in an idealized version of the game, who'd win if nobody else noticed how well they were playing:

16) Lydia - She's 42 and petite, attributes the typical early-20s Survivor will interpret as old and frail. She's a fishmonger, which is totally awesome, but the Survivor she most admires is Rupert, so I can't like her. Unless she starts roaring as well.

15) Brian - He's 22 and a recent graduate of Columbia University. He's trying to justify having majored in Psychology by thinking it'll help him play mind games with the other contestants. That's not the way it works, nerd. You're out!

14) Rafe - Another Ivy Leaguer, Rafe's 22 and a recent Brown graduate. He's a Mormon who's in love with his mom. The jocks are going to love that.

13) Jim - At 63, Jim is actually the obvious one to vote out first. But he's a retired fire captain who now travels the world and climbs mountains, so he's got a high novelty factor. He may be able to pull a Rudy and stick around till the end if he's cool and smart enough.

12) Jamie - At 24, this water ski instructor/aspiring actor has an identical twin named Ramie and really mean parents. If he's strong enough, his tribe may keep him around till the merge, at which point they'll cut him loose. *When my college friends Rick and Jamie started dating, we nicknamed them "Ramie." See, it's not a real name.

11) Margaret - This nurse practicioner is 43 and sports a mullet.

10) Morgan - She's a magician's assistant, which is both neat and sad, so this 21-year-old may not last long. If she's cute enough, she could stick around, but unless she can saw herself in half, she's gone.

9) Blake - He's 24 and a really creepy looking model. He likes skydiving and kissing, meaning he's probably got an online personal ad at Match.com (seriously, everyone there likes skydiving. I mean, come on...). Like Jamie, being young and fit means he won't win.

8) Brianna - At 21, this make up artist looks like she tried out for The Real World and was miscast. Young women who succeed in the game generally get by on sweetness (Elizabeth, Neleh), but Brianna describes herself as "deceitful." She'll have to play an even luckier, er, better game than Jenna Morasca to last to the end.

7) Amy - This 39-year-old police sergeant from Massachusetts is apparently the female version of Tom Westman, last season's Survivor winner. She even played pro-football (where and when, her bio doesn't say). There's no way anyone's letting her near the final four.

6) Brandon - He's 22 and a farmer. I'm guessing he's strong but quiet enough to go unnoticed.

5) Brooke - She's a 26-year-old law student who grew up on a farm - the thinking woman's Stephenie. If she can hold back a bit, but still be worth keeping around, she could win it all. But something tells me the others will figure her out and not take their chances.

4) Gary - As a former NFL quarterback, everyone is going to want to hang out with Gary. That is until they remember that he was an NFL quarterback and they punt him off the island.

3) Judd - Why rank a 34-year-old hotel doorman third? He could be another Chris Daugherty, likeable and non-threatening enough that people don't realize he's pulling one over on them. Also, he has parents kind enough to name his twin brother Timmy, so that might bode well.

2) Cindy - Another contestant with mean parents! Cindy is a 31-year-old zookeeper with a twin sister named Mindy. Come on people, rhyming twins aren't cool. Cindy seems pretty buff and a little bossy, so she'd be worth teaming up with if you knew you could beat her in the final vote.

1) Danni - Right now, Danni's my girl. She's 30 and hosts a sports radio show in Kansas City. She was a competitor in beauty pageants as well as athletics. The guys will keep her around as long as they can since she's pretty and knows sports, but by the time they realize she's a real threat, it'll be too late. Game over. Hand her the million.

Who Bakes Those Cakes?

This may be the most interesting week of Rock Star shows yet. Tonight's non-performance show kicked things off as INXS interviewed each contestant individually. The interviews, along with the subsequent conversation between the band mates, led me to some conclusions:

1) Mig doesn't have a chance. The band didn't seem that impressed with him and they've never had a chance to hear him perform an INXS song. He was assigned the song "Paint It, Black" by the Rolling Stones, a move designed to make him look so uncool that his fans in Australia and New Zealand won't want to save him. But even if he makes Bottom 3 this week, he'll probably make the finals because...

2) Marty's next to go. Everyone in INXS agrees that he's a good performer, but they also think he'll need a lot of work to fit in with the band. It didn't help that he's already mapped out the band's future all by himself, should he win. They gave him the song "Creep" by Radiohead and a reprise of his original, "Trees," as going away present.

3) INXS is divided into pro-Suzie and pro-J.D. camps. Andrew and Garry are solidly in the pro-Suzie camp; Garry thinks she's the best singer and Andrew would like to write songs for her. The pro-J.D. camp is made up of Tim, Jon and Pengilly, but I don't think any of them are totally sold on him. All three of them like J.D.'s edginess, but they all admit he's got problems. However, Andrew thinks J.D. isn't completely trustworthy or honest and is totally against him; recall that last week, when INXS asked J.D. where he'd take the band musically, he responded, "Into my heart." Since Andrew is the band's primary songwriter, his word may prevail, in which case J.D's out and Suzie's in.

Using the probability skills I honed as a Mathlete in high school, I've deduced that there are four possible ways the voting could turn out after Tuesday night's performance show. Here's who goes if the Bottom 3 is:

J.D., Marty, Mig (Suzie's safe) - Marty's out
J.D., Marty, Suzie (Mig's safe) - Marty's out
J.D., Mig, Suzie (Marty's safe) - Mig's out
Marty, Mig, Suzie (J.D.'s safe) - Marty's out

I Love You, Too, Dave

Dave Navarro's love for Jordis couldn't save her tonight as she became the next contestant booted off of Rock Star:INXS. Controversy was stirred as J.D. joined Jordis and Suzie in the bottom three instead of Mig. Is there an Oceanian conspiracy at work? We'll know if he performs the unofficial national anthem of New Zealand ("Better Be Home Soon" by Crowded House) next week. Seriously, I heard that song at least once everyday while vacationing in NZ - sometimes two or three times - and the song's 17-years-old! Then again, name another Kiwi rock band...I rest my case.

Early in the show, J.D. was given the encore as the result of fan voting last night, something I missed while casting my ultimately meaningless votes for Suzie. INXS also performed the song they debuted in the Recording Studio Clinic, with the 5 remaining rockers (in the contest, not in INXS) sharing the vocals. They were also joined on stage by Dave Navarro, bringing the total number of guitarists performing the song to 4. I guess INXS thought they'd better have back up since they're old and you never know when someone might break a hip.

Jordis started off the bottom 3 performances with "I Need You Tonight." She did an okay job, despite missing a cue, but the song showed that her vocal style is better showcased in other styles of music. Suzie followed with "Never Tear Us Apart," which she performed in her bottom 3 appearance on the show's first elimination episode. She's really the only singer left who can sing loudly without losing her control, and she interacted well with the audience again. Mig was sure he was next and was stunned when J.D.'s name was called. Mig tried to grab J.D's hand but was shrugged off as J.D. headed to the stage to perform "Mystify." It was my favorite performance of his yet.

All of the members of INXS made a point of reassuring Jordis that, even though she didn't suit their band, she has a bright career ahead. Dave went so far as to say that he loved Jordis, receiving a polite, "I love you, too, Dave," from her. Hey, you never know when you might need a petite celebrity guitarist to help you with your solo album (assuming that Prince isn't available, of course).

Ty's Specter Remains

Ty's gone, but if it's up to the contestants on Rock Star: INXS, he won't be forgotten. Suzie kept his memory alive by performing an original song she wrote with him. And Mig has decided to become the new Ty, taking over the areas of creepy gestures and getting-in-touch-with-your-feelings. Here's a recap of tonight's show, in order of performance.

J.D. - By slowing down Nirvana's "Come As You Are," J.D. made the song less irritating than usual, but he reverted to the original tempo to end the song. Bummer. His original wasn't actually an original; he performed the unfinished INXS song from the Group Songwriting Clinic (the one that yielded the embarrassing "Stop Go"), but with his lyrics. Smart move, since most of the originals that followed were unimpressive and generally wrong for INXS.

Suzie - She knocked Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" out of the park. Her original was an okay, but uninspiring tune that had so much Ty infused into it that Suzie's hair began to peak into a mohawk as she sang it. My problem with Ty is that everything he touches turns into something from the Broadway show "Rent." Which leads to...

Mig - You can take the boy out of musical theater, but you can't take the musical theater out of the boy. His performance of "Hard to Handle" was silly; Garry Beers and I both covered our eyes when Mig ripped open his shirt. His original song sounded more like Christian rock than INXS. He should've gone right into his encore of "Our God Is an Awesome God" from the God-rock compilation infomercials. Mig, when your song sucks, I can't care about the personal meaning it has for you. Oh, and your hair made you look like a butch chick.

Jordis - Wow, "We Are the Champions" really is a hard song to sing. Still, she did it better than J.D. But Jordis officially threw in the towel with her original tonight. Her lackluster song showed that she can't write a vocal melody, even with Marty's help. She got knocked down and she couldn't get up again. After tonight's show, she'll need to drink a whiskey drink, she'll need a vodka drink, she'll need a lager drink, she'll need a cider drink. (Yes, that's a Chumbawamba reference). Booting her tomorrow would be the merciful thing to do.

Marty - Acoustic Foo Fighters didn't work so well, but Marty saved the night with a tune from his band, The Lovehammers. "Trees" is a fun, catchy tune and Marty was able to let go and be the energetic frontman that we've seen him be.

Crystal Ball Prediction - Jordis will be cut next, followed by Mig and J.D. Mig will promptly reunite with Ty in an updated version of West Side Story. It'll be set in Western Australia and chronical a battle between aboriginals and convicts. INXS will choose Marty as their lead singer, BUT the House Band will open for them on tour with Suzie as their lead singer. The tour will be delayed until Suzie and Garry Beers return from their honeymoon.