Apprentice L.A.: Episode 10

Customers aren't keen on buying things from roller skating women wearing Kevlar vests. Go figure.

Trump kicked off the latest episode of The Apprentice by forcing one of the members of Arrow Corp. to join the women of Kinetic. When no one volunteered, Trump told Project Manager James to choose someone. Quickly.

James explained that, because of whatever talents Stefani and Frank purportedly possess, they were indespensible. That left the love birds, Tim and Nicole, and James picked Nicole to join Kinetic's coven.

There was much eye rolling from his fellow team members -- as in, "How can you separate them? They're in love!" Yet no one objected aloud or volunteered to take Nicole's place. Not even Tim.

The reorganized teams met with Trump and Ivanka to received their task. At Universal Studios, teams would be responsible for using a new, mobile sales technology (basically a wireless credit card reader) to peddle discounted season passes to patrons as they entered the theme park.

Upon arriving at Universal, Nicole adopted a "take no prisoners" mentality and vowed to crush Tim and her former teammates. She (correctly) predicted that Arrow would erect a large tent with flashy signage in order to attract customers, and she set about crafting a plan to undermine their efforts.

Nicole's winning sales strategy? Roller skates. The skates would allow the the girls to be more mobile than tent-bound Arrow, and who wouldn't want to buy passes from four hot babes on wheels?

Apparently, a lot of people.

The babe effect was substantially lessened by the bulky vests that supported the portable digital display/credit card machine. The bulky, black kevlar-like floatation devices didn't pair well with the retro black roller skates.

Arrow's tent gave them an air of legitimacy, which they used to undermine their competition. They offered free bottles of water to their customers, and James even broadcast over a bullhorn that the women on roller skates were charging more for the passes (which, as far as I could tell, they weren't).

Arrow was able to sell $30,000 worth of passes, beating Kinetic by more than $7,000. That makes me wonder: who the hell are these people buying these freaking expensive annual passes? I like the Jurassic Park boats and Mummy coaster as much as the next reality show recapper, but how many times a year do you want to see the Waterworld show or break your neck on that Back to the Future ride?

Back at the mansion, Tim learned the hard way what a bad idea it is to get romantically involved with another Apprentice candidate. As Frank and all of the women of Kinetic listened on, Nicole confronted Tim through the hedge that separates the pool area from the tent compound.

Nicole said, "I didn't think you and Frank would've let me go."

Tim responded, "You wanted us to say something?"

As the Kinetic gals tried to explain that Nicole had just wanted Tim to speak up in her defense when James suggested her, Tim countered with some reasoning that, by not saying anything, he was really doing what Nicky would've wanted: displaying loyalty to the team.

The conversation didn't last very long, once Nicole realized that Tim's loyalty was not to her. But Tim still couldn't reconcile why she'd be upset by that, and he didn't make the connection that, as a member of the losing team, Nicole was in serious danger of being fired.

In the Boardroom the next day, Project Manager Angela did go after Nicole for her roller skate idea. But everyone else on the team blamed Angela for not considering anything beyond the roller skates.

Trump, who's been impressed with Angela's Olympic medals all season, tended to agree with the majority. Reluctantly, he fired Angela. She was sad not to have won, but said she probably learned more through the experience of losing. It figures that a high-level athlete would understand how to put losing in perspective.

Next week, one of the teams screws up big time. Even bigger than usual, apparently.

TAR All-Stars: Episode 6

If you've ever considered applying to be on The Amazing Race, this episode might make you reconsider... unless spending several consecutive days in African airports is your idea of a good time.

Teams left the Pit Stop late at night and were forced to wait until 5 a.m. for the ticket counter to open at the Maputo, Mozambique, airport. There was only one direct flight that day from Maputo to Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania -- the racers' next destination -- and that flight was full.

While all of the other teams elected to wait on standby for the 8:30 a.m. flight, Charla & Mirna took a risk and caught a flight to Johannesburg, South Africa, in the hopes that they might be able to get a connection at that (larger) airport.

With the help of an airport employee named Cristo -- who was gracious enough to kneel down and look Charla in the eye when answering her questions -- the cousins were able to board a 9:55 a.m. flight to Dar Es Salaam.

Meanwhile, none of the teams was able to board the direct flight out of Maputo. They were told to try to get tickets for an 11:45 a.m. flight from Maputo to Johannesburg on South African Airlines, which connected with an Air Tanzania flight from Johannesburg to Dar Es Salaam. Unfortunately, the connecting flight was fully booked, so teams would again risk going standby.

The SAA ticket counter didn't open until 9:45, and Joe & Bill and Teri & Ian dutifully lined up to wait for it. But the other teams creeped upstairs to the SAA office, where they were able to convince an employee to sell them the tickets to Johannesburg and place them first on the standby list for the flight to Dar Es Salaam. (Who knew Dar Es Salaam was such a popular place?)

All of the teams made it to Johannesburg successfully, but only the four teams that booked their tickets at the upstairs SAA office were cleared to board the 1:15 p.m. flight to Dar Es Salaam. The four teams boarded the plane, and Joe & Bill and Teri & Ian were left to curse their rotten luck.

But just then, luck took a turn in their favor. Eric & Danielle had mistakenly been given someone else's seats, and they were removed from the plane. As Dani cried, an airline employee assured them that the best he could do was put them on the standby for the SAA flight to Dar Es Salaam at 9:55 the following morning -- a full day behind Charla & Mirna.

The employee also made the same offer to the Guidos and Teri & Ian.

At 2:52 p.m., Charla & Mirna's flight arrived in Tanzania. There they took a taxi to the ferry terminal, where they took a number for the first boat to Zanzibar. The trip would take several hours in a traditional open-air dhow, and, due to an impending storm, the launch was postponed until 5:30 a.m. the next morning.

The Air Tanzania flight with Ozzy & Danny, Dustin & Kandice, and Uchenna & Joyce landed at 6:30 p.m. Ozzy & Danny got seats on the 5:30 a.m. boat with Charla & Mirna. The second boat, carrying Uchenna & Joyce and the Beauty Queens, would leave three hours later, at 8:30 a.m.

Early the next morning, as the lead teams set off on their sea voyage, Mirna mused, "It's like the ancient time." In keeping with the ancient ways, Ozzy quipped, "We're gonna trade you for food now."

Mirna, not getting the joke, flatly said, "Okay," before pausing and asking, "Can I have some of the food?"

When the second boat launched, later that morning, Uchenna also mused about ancient traditions. He told his blonde competitors, "500 years ago, they took the slaves this very same path, ladies. Now it's your turn!"

While Uchenna, Ozzy, and Danny were contemplating how to use their female companions as barter items, the last three teams were still trying to get out of Johannesburg. Because of their traumatic removal from the plane the day before, Eric & Danielle were give the only two available seats on the 9:55 flight.

Luckily, the Guidos and Teri & Ian were able to get seats on an Air Malawi flight to Dar Es Salaam at noon. As they boarded the plane, Bill exclaimed, "I've never been so happy to leave a country in my life!"

Back on Zanzibar, the lead teams found a clue giving them their choice of Detour: Solve It or Schlep It. In Solve It, teams walked to a nearby hotel to complete a 62-piece puzzle.

For Schlep It, teams walked one mile to a lumber yard, where they loaded two 50-pound logs onto a cart. Then they pushed the cart to a shipyard one mile away.

Both the cousins and the Cha Cha Chas chose Solve It, and they completed their puzzles relatively quickly, with the Chas just a few minutes in front of Charla & Mirna. Their clue sent them 15-miles to the Maasai village of Kikungwi. Ozzy & Danny squandered the small lead they had, when they at a roadside stand to buy fruit.

At Kikungwi, teams found a Roadblock. The task required one team member to learn how to properly throw a rungu: a stick with a knobby end used for hunting. Once the chosen member destroyed a clay target with the rungu, the team would receive its next clue.

Mirna broke her target first, and she celebrated with a cartwheel and much screaming. The clue sent them to the next Pit Stop, at the Old Fort in Stone Town.

When they arrived in first place for the second time in a row, Phil Keoghan told Charla & Mirna that they had each won a catamaran. In unison, the cousins asked, "Huh? What is that?" When Phil explained that it was a sailboat, there was, again, more screaming.

When the second boat arrived on Tanzania, the teams split up. Uchenna & Joyce had a much easier time with the puzzle, and made it through the Roadblock, to the Pit Stop, and even served their 30-minute penalty from the previous leg without seeing the Beauty Queens.

Dustin & Kandice chose Schlep It, and kept telling themselves that they'd made the smart choice even as they spilled the contents of their lumber cart onto the road. It was dark by the time they finished, but they were happy with fourth place.

It was already dark out when Eric & Danielle arrived at Zanzibar. They completed their puzzle, and then Danielle succeeded in breaking the clay target by hitting the post it was tied to and knocking it to the ground. They finished in fifth place.

The final dhow didn't even leave Dar El Salaam until 8 p.m., so it was plenty late when the last two teams arrived. The Guidos gave some thought as to which Detour to choose, but decided it was best to keep an eye on the competition. So, they stayed with Teri & Ian and completed the puzzle.

As the Guidos methodically placed their fish-shaped pieces, Teri & Ian floundered. By the time they realized that the pieces were double-sided, the Guidos were nearly finished. They got their clue and headed out into the early morning light to find the Roadblock.

Bill was able to finish the Roadblock before Teri & Ian even arrived, and the Guidos reached the finish mat in sixth place. By the time they finished the leg, Teri & Ian had made peace with their elimination. "We had fun," said Teri. "We're sorry to be eliminated."

Next week, All-Stars is back for two hours of Dani freaking out about something. And Charla tries to walk in a full suit of armor.

DwtS 4: Week 1 Power Rankings

As the couples of Dancing with the Stars 4 prepare for their second performances, which celebrity is most likely to follow in the footsteps of Trista Sutter, Kenny Mayne, and Tucker Carlson?

If you need a refresher on the premiere performances, check out the videos in our Week 1 Performance Show Recap.

From worst to first, here's where the couples rank after one week...

11. Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff
It's not just that Billy Ray & Karina earned the lowest scores from the judges after their Cha Cha Cha. It's the way they did it that puts the most pressure on them. Billy Ray seemed so self-conscious that it would take a psychological breakthrough of Freudian proportions for him to give the kind of performance he needs.

For him, the real accomplishment may have been just getting out on the dance floor. If that's the case, then he needs to go so that the show can focus on the couples who came to win.

10. Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts
The same goes for Heather. Her decision to join the cast is admirable, and she's already done a lot to change perceptions of the abilities of people with physical handicaps. But she gave me the impression that participating was victory enough for her.

I'd be more inspired if she'd said, "I'm not just going to dance; I'm going to be better than all of the other dancers." Her first routine was great, but I'm skeptical as to whether Heather's heart is really in it.

9. Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani
Leeza needs to look more relaxed on the dance floor, and she doesn't have much time to figure out how to do that.

8. Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna
Shandi seemed funny and engaging in pre-show interviews. Sadly, it seems she didn't come across so well on the show. I thought Shandi's dancing was fine -- but not good enough that she can survive too long without winning over the audience.

Shandi needs to come across as a real person, and not a beauty queen trying too hard to seem like a real person. For example, she should stop calling herself a "geek." Instead, prove it! I recommend responding to the judges in Klingon. Qapla', Shandi!

I also hope the producers won't try to manufacture a showmance between Shandi and Brian this season. It didn't help Willa & Maks last season, and it won't do Shandi any good now.

7. Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko
Some fans called Clyde's performance "sweet" or "charming," which is the kind of backhanded compliment you give to shy guys. If he wasn't so tall, they would've called him "cute." He'll have a couple more weeks to get comfortable with the performances, but his dancing will suffer if he can't loosen up.

6. John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska
The surprisingly competent Ratzenberger seems to think that he can win this competition on merit alone. Didn't he get the memo that the older male competitors are supposed to be sluggish, self-deprecating, and threatening to break a hip at a moment's notice?

5. Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo
Hopefully, Paulina will stop harping on her own clumsiness after this week. Not that I don't believe she was a clumsy kid, but by mentioning it so much, the audience and judges are going to be looking for missteps. She's better when he sticks to the commie humor.

4. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough
Apolo's naturally gifted, and he pairs well with Julianne. But if he isn't able to devote as much time to dancing as the others -- especially a perfectionist like Ian -- it's going to show in his performances. Fortunately, I've heard that he plans to curtail his skating for the remainder of the season.

3. Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke
Ian didn't get the highest score from the judges after his first performance, which could be a blessing in disguise. The pressure's off, so he gets to focus on his own progress and not worry about what everyone else is doing.

2. Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Laila may have scored the highest among the women, but she wasn't in first place. This early in the game, that's perfect for her. She's going to force herself to work that much harder to overtake Joey as the judges' favorite.

1. Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson
Joey will probably be setting the pace for the next few weeks. He should aim for consistency early on, and then peaking in the last few shows. Hopefully, he can leave himself some room to grow.

Survivor Fiji: Episode 6

After a tribal shakeup on Survivor: High School... er... Fiji, the rivalry between Rocky the Jock and Class Nerd Anthony came to a head. Would the island be big enough for the two of them?

The two tribes, Moto and Ravu, arrived at what they assumed would be a Reward Challenge, only to be told to drop their tribal buffs. When Earl and Edgardo stepped forward to represent their teams, host Jeff Probst informed them that they'd be selecting brand new tribes.

Alternating by selecting a member of the opposite tribe, two new teams were created:
1) Edgardo, Mookie, Alex, Rocky, Dreamz, Anthony
2) Earl, Boo, Michelle, Cassandra, Yau-Man, Stacy

That left Lisi the odd woman out, and since she'd just witnessed the dismantling of her alliance and all of her hopes of winning, she was excited by the prospect of being sent home immediately.

Only she wasn't going home. She was going to Exile Island. She'd remain there until after the next Tribal Council, when she would join whichever team lost a member at Tribal Council.

Lisi made the mistake of whining about not getting a ticket out of Fiji, and Jeff made sure her new team understood that she'd just given them the perfect reason to get rid of her. She sulked her way over to Exile Island, where she sulked some more.

The rights to the good camp were determined by which buff Edgardo pulled out of a bag. He pulled the Ravu buff, and he and the boys were off to the crummy camp.

There they celebrated the fact that there wasn't a woman around -- before assigning that role to Anthony. He stayed at camp tending to the fire and wondering why chocolate always goes straight to his thighs, while the manly men of masculinity went out to fish, hunt for crabs, and break shit. Like men do.

At the Immunity Challenge, teams were equally matched in a game of wits. All six members of each tribe were tied together and had to carefully weave through an obstacle course, which looked like a knocked-over Pachinko machine (or if you're a Price is Right fan, a Plinko board). Earl's Moto tribe edged out Ravu for the victory, continuing Moto's undefeated streak.

Anthony seemed the obvious boot for Ravu, but he did his best to point out exactly how annoying Rocky was. Despite Anthony's perceived weakness, he ran the camp almost single-handedly. Meanwhile, Rocky bossed people around and avoided doing any work himself.

At Tribal Council, Rocky used the occasion to give Anthony a decidedly unmotivating "be a man" speech. Yet every time Anthony tried to speak up for himself, Rocky interrupted him. After Rocky called him "effeminate" a few too many times, Anthony said he hadn't realize that he needed to act like a loudmouthed jerk to earn Rocky's respect.

Even though Alex, Edgardo, Mookie, and Dreamz had to know that they would soon regret it, they voted out Anthony and kept Rocky. How anyone can stand listening to that guy for five minutes -- let alone several days -- is beyond me.

Next week, when Survivor returns to its regular Thursday night timeslot, Yau-Man looks for the Immunity Idol. And Lisi brings her feminine charms to Ravu camp, much to the dismay of Dreamz.

DwtS 4, Week 1: Ratings, News, and Videos

The results are in, and Dancing with the Stars is more popular than ever. We've got links to cast interviews, videos of some of the dances, and other reviews of last night's premiere.

DwtS 4 debuted to an audience of 21.65 million, making it the most watched premiere in the series' history. Here are links to reviews of last night's premiere at Entertainment Weekly and MSNBC.

In the run-up to the new season, the stars of the show gave plenty of interviews. At BuddyTV, Ian Ziering said that the first time he met fellow competitor, Laila Ali, she warned him, "Look, don’t think that just because you got Cheryl that you’re going to win this thing."

At ReadExpress.com, Kym Johnson said that her partner, Joey Fatone, has already lost 15 pounds, thanks to their dance training. And at MeeVee, Tom Bergeron describes himself as a "gym rat."

This season, ABC is posting complete episodes of Dancing with the Stars online. If you don't have time to watch the whole episode, here are a few of the videos from the Week 1 Performance Show. (Throughout the season, we'll continue to scour the web and post videos we find online. We've been, shall we say, persuaded not to upload any videos of our own this season.)

Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna -- Fox Trot


Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- Fox Trot


Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts -- Fox Trot


Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff -- Cha Cha Cha

DwtS 4: Performance Show Week 1

With one dance under their belts, the couples on Dancing with the Stars get another week to prove to fans why they deserve to stick around. At least one couple has good reason to be very nervous before next week's vote.

All of the principal players returned for this season: hosts Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris; judges Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Bruno Tonioli; and band leader Harold Wheeler.

(A quick note: I wish there was a way to convey just how great Tom Bergeron is at his job, but his greatness lies in the spontaneous asides that you simply have to see to appreciate. He's the funniest host on television, and Dancing with the Stars wouldn't be the same without him.)

To kick off the new season, all of the professional dancers performed what I believe was a Samba to Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz." Maksim Chmerkovskiy, sporting a dashing short haircut, looked as delightfully smarmy as ever, as he danced with Karina Smirnoff and Cheryl Burke at the same time. New castmember Julianne Hough was tossed in the air like a cheerleader before ending the routine balanced high atop Tony Dovolani's right arm.

The celebrities were introduced individually, and it was announced that all of the women would be dancing the Fox Trot, and the men the Cha Cha Cha. Then it was time for the first performance of the night.

Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke -- Cha Cha Cha
Song: Tommy James & The Shondells, "Mony Mony"

The dancers and celebrites have no idea who they'll be working with, until they meet for the first time in their practice space. Upon seeing the two-time champ waiting for him, Ian shouted, "We're gonna win! This is great!" During their practice sessions, Ian & Cheryl had plenty of fun, but he needs to let go of his perfectionist tendencies.

When they took the dance floor, Ian looked perfectly relaxed and happy. He didn't appear to be at all self-conscious, which allowed him to look far more natural than many of the male celebs ever do. He displayed none of the stiffness in his arm movements that plagued Joey Lawrence last season even in his best performances.

With a few more weeks of practice, Ian will have no problem getting his hips moving. I don't have much to say about Cheryl's performance, because she did exactly what she does best: allow her partner to be the star. Ian looked elated after they finished their dance.

The judges were pleased with the night's first performance. Len told Cheryl, "You're a lucky little devil. You keep getting really good partners." Bruno commended Cheryl for her choreography and suggested a way they might teach Ian how to move his hips: "Go and see the Chippendales show or something." Early in the routine, Carrie Ann had feared Ian might psych himself out, but she said, "You proved me wrong. The musicality kicked in."

Backstage with Samantha, Ian expressed some concerns about his outfit: ''It's the first time I've had to step through my shirt since I was wearing onesies."

Scores: Carrie Ann...7, Len...7, Bruno...7 = 21/30

Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo -- Fox Trot
Song: Cole Porter, "It's too Darn Hot"

During their introductory video, Paulina revealed that, despite her modeling background, she's actually a klutz. Her family called her "as graceful as a 2x4." Alec and Paulina bonded over their shared geographic background as they trained...
Alec: "Do not question the system."
Paulina: "That's what they said in the Communist countries."
Alec: "Well, that's where I'm from."
Paulina: "Yeah, that's why we both left."

On the dance floor, Paulina looked classy, and dancing to a Cole Porter tune, the couple had an old Hollywood kind of glamour. She looked very confident, and, as she becomes more polished, Paulina will be a real threat. Alec did a wonderful job letting her shine, continuing to play the straight man to her comedian on the floor, just as he did off the floor.

Len commended Paulina for her "musical arms," but warned her about posture and hold problems. Carrie said, "You have great potential. Your lines are gorgeous. But you were a little awkward with each other in the beginning." Bruno said his cohorts were just in a bad mood. He told Paulina, "You've got class oozing from every pore. You look like you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Tiffany's."

When asked how it feels to receive criticism from the judges, Paulina fake-cried and said, "It hurts when it's you."

Scores: Carrie Ann...6, Len...6, Bruno...7 = 19/30

Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff -- Cha Cha Cha
Song: Billy Ray Cyrus, "I Want My Mullet Back"

Billy Ray's insecurity has been the couples' biggest obstacle. When Karina asked what his strengths are, he replied, "My strength is you. And other than that, everything else is a weakness."

What happened on the dance floor was a mess. Billy Ray missed his holds, forgot the routine, and just looked lost. To be fair, he looked like what many of us amateurs would after only four weeks of training, except that he did it on national TV.

In honor of the song they were dancing too, Karina wore a mullet wig. At the end of the routine, with Karina kneeling at his feet, Billy Ray was supposed to pull off the wig (reclaiming his mullet). But the wig got stuck, and Billy Ray had to rip it off of Karina's head, in what looked like a very painful maneuver.

After the judges made sure Karina was okay, they got down the business of critiquing the performance. Carrie stammered, "That was...that was rock 'n roll, but it wasn't a Cha Cha." Bruno told Billy Ray, "You were like a crazy bear lost in a swamp. I can't give a critique because there wasn't anything to criticize." Len said, "It was more like a hoedown than a Cha Cha Cha."

Scores: Carrie Ann...5, Len...4, Bruno...4 = 13/30

Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani -- Fox Trot
Song: Frank Sinatra, "Strangers in the night"

Leeza, the oldest woman in the competition, said the show "didn't kill Jerry Springer. I can do it, too." As a successful businesswoman, normally in charge of her affairs, Leeza admitted to having some trouble relinquishing control and submitting to Tony's "tough love" training.

Their performance was nice and romantic, although a bit on the slow side. Leeza's neck and shoulders were tense, but with confidence, her carriage will relax. She's not an actress, so she needs to work a little harder to get into character.

Bruno said Leeza was so tense and tentative, it was like she was dancing "at the edge of the Grand Canyon." Len said, "Technically it was very good. Relax and enjoy it." Carrie Ann told Leeza, "Let the confidence shine. You brought the character of the dance to life."

When asked by Samantha how she was dealing with Tony's tough training style, Leeze replied. "I've talked to his wife. I know how to handle him. Tony's a teddy bear."

Scores: Carrie Ann...5, Len...5, Bruno...5 = 15/30

Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson -- Cha Cha Cha
Song: Bee Gees, "You Should Be Dancing"

When not dealing with Joey's goofball antics, Kym had to act as Joey's fitness instructor as well. "Joey 'Fat One' won't be his nickname for long," said Kym.

They danced a disco-influenced Cha Cha Cha; Joey's white vest even said "Fatone" in rhinestones on the back. Seconds into the routine, Joey's microphone pack came loose and began whipping about behind him. But his style was so relaxed and easy, he acted as if it hadn't even happened. The couples' fun attitude came through in their performance.

Carrie offered high praise: "I think the competition just began, right now." Len said simply, "That was really, really good." Bruno explained, "It's about performing. It's about selling. It's about being on it, with your music and with your partner. You did all of that in spite of the little accident."

Scores: Carrie Ann...8, Len...8, Bruno...8 = 24/30

Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- Fox Trot
Song: Marvin Gaye, "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)"

Laila and Maks appear to be a match made in heaven. She's thrilled to have the opportunity to be a girly-girl for a change, and he's happy to have found someone who appreciates his teaching philosophy: "Just do what I say, and I guarantee the result." But Maks definitely knows his limits: "I'd be absolutely crazy to get into a boxing ring with Laila. I like this face a little too much."

Laila looked lovely in her orange gown, but the rusty-brown shirt wore was not as flattering on Maks. Thanks to her boxing training, Laila is in incredible shape and has fast feet that glide across the floor. She's already got all of the basics down, so from now on it's all detail work. And, as far as conditioning, the dance training shouldn't be any harder than her normal routine. Laila could be most dangerous woman in the field.

Bruno said the routine was "oozing sex appeal and allure. I cannot believe you never danced before." Carrie told Laila, "You're seemless. You're effortless." And Len adapted Laila's father's famous maxim: "Float like a butterfly... glide like a swan."

Scores: Carrie Ann...7, Len...8, Bruno...8 = 23/30

John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska -- Cha Cha Cha
Song: Aretha Franklin, "Chain of Fools"

After Vincent Pastore dropped out of the competition, John was brought in as a replacement. With only two weeks to train her partner, Edyta said, "This is the first time I'm more nervous than my celebrity."

Edyta returned for her fourth season in a typically skimpy Edyta outfit. If you looked like Edyta, you'd probably wear next-to-nothing, too.

Their performance didn't look like something thrown together in just two weeks. John did a pretty credible job covering the floor, and Edyta wisely choreographed the routine to take some of the focus off of John and on herself.

Carrie Ann said, "That was surprisingly good! You're very charismatic." Len warned John about heel leads, which are forbidden in the Latin dances, but said, "It was a good job." Bruno echoed Len's sentiments.

When Samantha asked John about being the oldest person in the competition, John joked, "I'll be 72 next week."

Scores: Carrie Ann...6, Len...5, Bruno...6 = 17/30

Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna -- Fox Trot
Song: Huey Lewis & The News, "Power of Love"

When they met, Shandi and Brian said they were impressed with each other's mutual hotness. Brian even designed a move where Shandi would grab his tush. While his intentions were surely playful, it came off as somewhat lecherous.

It took over half a show, but we finally had the first weird song selection of the season: a Fox Trot to Huey Lewis. Shandi's beauty pageant training served her well, as she smiled through the entire routine. Technically it wasn't bad, but their performance needs to feel more natural.

In regard to their unfailing smiles, Bruno joked, "It's Barbie and Ken, live in your living room." Carrie told Shandi, "Your upper body is fantastic. Your lower half needs a lot of work." Len said, "I'll give her lower half a lot of work! Hey-o!" Okay, he didn't really. He just asked for "a little more expression, a little less aggression."

Scores: Carrie Ann...6, Len...6, Bruno...7 = 19/30

Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko -- Cha Cha Cha
Song: Stevie Wonder, "I Was Made To Love Her"

Clyde was afraid of losing his nickname, "The Glide," on the dance floor. But he was impressed with the skills of his diminutive partner: "It's like playing basketball with Hakeem Olajuwon." (Yeah, if Hakeem were as tall as Earl Boykins.)

It's next to impossible to look smooth when you're 6'7" and you live in a world designed for much smaller people. Clyde had no problem gliding across the floor, but his upper body was hunched over. He's certainly not the worst dancer of the bunch, and Elena looked wonderful. The closed hold of next week's Quickstep may make Clyde feel more like Elena's partner, instead of just the guy dancing next to her.

Carrie Ann emphasized, "You do glide. It's not a disadvantage if you start to use it. I'd love to see you just expand and fill the whole dance floor when you're dancing." Len said, "It was such a charming performance." Bruno told Clyde, "You've got such a lovely warmth exuding from you. You have the talent there. Big is beautiful -- sell it."

Scores: Carrie Ann...6, Len...5, Bruno...5 = 16/30

Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts -- Fox Trot
Song: Irving Berlin, "Dancing Cheek to Cheek"

Only upon meeting did Jonathan learn about Heather's prosthesis. But once the couple learned how to compensate for the fact that she's balancing on one leg, they were able to joke about it. "Why can you do spin-kick," Jonathan teased, "but we can't do three steps forward?"

For all of the attention surrounding Heather, you wouldn't have known this was a woman with one leg. Jonathan choreographed a pleasing routine that took advantage of all of the things that Heather can do, and minimized any complications from her prosthesis. The performance was well executed, and they looked like they had fun doing it.

Tom asked Len if they'd be judging Heather by different standards, and Len said they absolutely would not. To Heather and Jonathan, he said, "There was far more right about that routine than there was wrong." Bruno told Heather, "The thing to pick on was the top half," and he then demonstrated how Heather should properly hold her hands. Carrie said, "When you're worried about your leg and the weight on your leg... your shoulders get very tense. You've got to have a little more faith in your partner, that he's there for you."

Backstage, Heather told Samantha, "I'm just glad I didn't fall over."

Scores: Carrie Ann...6, Len...6, Bruno...6 = 18/30

Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough
Song: Denise Williams, "Let's Hear It For the Boy"

Julianne was starstruck by Apolo when they met, and she accompanied him to Milan for a competition last week. There, one of his enthusiastic fans told her, "I'd do anything to be in Apolo's arms."

I usually try to ignore Apolo's unappealing patch of chin spinach, but the giant red bandana he wore as a headband somehow drew even more attention to it. When I was able to focus on the dancing, I was impressed. He moves comfortably enough that he'll be fine once he and Julianne have had more time to train together -- assuming he gives himself enough time to do so.

Bruno said, "It's like watching Happy Feet all over again. You have probably the highest potential of all of the people I've seen tonight. More rehearsals; clean it up." Carrie told Apolo, "Your hip action's pretty amazing," but warned him to stop turning his hips in when he walks. Len was already worrying about next week's Quickstep: "Your posture isn't great. You've got this stooped-over look. But well done for your Cha Cha Cha."

Scores: Carrie Ann...7, Len...7, Bruno...7 = 21/30

Leaderboard:
24 - Joey & Kym
23 - Laila & Maks
21 - Ian & Cheryl, Apolo & Julianne
19 - Paulina & Alec, Shandi & Brian
18 - Heather & Jonathan
17 - John & Edyta
16 - Clyde & Elena
15 - Leeza & Tony
13 - Billy Ray & Karina

Overall, it was an entertaining night of performances, although the two hours really seemed to drag at the end. Limiting the time couples had to prepare for the season was a positive move, as it left lots of room for improvement in the weeks to come.

There is no Results Show tomorrow night; no one will be eliminated until next Tuesday. On next week's Performance Show, the men will dance the Quickstep and the women the Mambo.

My vote tonight goes to Heather & Jonathan, and not because I found it so inspirational or anything like that. They simply danced the routine that I would most like to try dancing myself.

Apprentice L.A.: Episode 9

Muna, your accent is Jamaican Trump crazy!

This week's task on The Apprentice L.A. put Kinetic Project Manager Kristine in a difficult position. Teams were asked to create a 45-second soap opera around Soft Scrub, to be featured on the company's website. Because of Muna's attention to detail, Kristine proposed putting Muna behind the camera.

But Muna -- who has a thick Jamaican accent -- said she'd prefer to be one of the actors.

Rather than risk putting a peeved Muna in the director's chair, Kristine consented to let her act opposite Heidi. Then, during the film shoot, Kristine did the unthinkable and left the set to buy props, trusting that things would run smoothly in her absence.

Things did not run smoothly.

Muna was excited and talking at double speed -- often while Heidi was delivering her lines. The result was a garbled, unintelligible mess.

When Kristine returned, she immediately saw the problem and made an effort to slow her hyperactive actress down in subsequent scenes. But she never reviewed the two scenes that were already in the can; if she had, there surely would've been retakes.

Meanwhile, James had stepped into the role of Project Manager at Arrow. Apart from some ridiculous overacting on the part of Tim, Nicole, and especially Frank, the project went off without a hitch. James's strength as a manager was knowing when to just get out of the way.

The Soft Scrub execs agreed that Kinetic's mini-opera had a better premise than Arrow's (an adulterous friend trying to wash away the evidence vs. an interrputed marriage proposal),. But the execs couldn't understand a thing Muna said.

Arrow won the task and earned themselves a lunch with the Gubernator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who lied and said he was excited to meet with them. Compared to Muna's soap opera performace, Arnold sounded like he'd been born and raised in Cleveland.

In the Boardroom, all signs pointed to Kristine's firing. Her attempt to manage Muna's moods had sabotaged the final prodect, she left the set at a critical point in the filming, and she didn't integrate the sponsor's product well.

But then Trump asked his favorite Olympian, Angela, who she'd rather have on her team. She said she'd keep Kristine.

Muna, fired up and fighting for her life, called out her closest ally, Heidi, and asked who she'd rather have on her team, assuming that the answer would be her. This bold (foolish?) move amused Trump, and he pressed Heidi for her answer.

Heidi acted as if Trump had just tossed Kristine and Muna into the ocean, and she was holding the only lifering. She fought against answering the question for ages, until she finally said, "Kristine."

Muna was not pleased. Heidi tried to play politics and offer some explanation for why, up until this point, she'd been telling Muna she preferred working with her. But it didn't matter. Muna's fate was sealed, and she was fired.

Next week, the teams are reorganized. James volunteers Nicole to join the other team against her wishes, and Nicole isn't happy about it.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Episode 5

Aspiring beauticians take heed: the women of Mozambique have very low standards when it comes to their manicures.

Teams remained in Ushuaia, Argentina, for the first task of this leg, searching the Martial Glacier for a clue. Ozzy & Danny had trouble figuring out how to use their avalanche beacon to locate a clue buried in the snow, and even finished behind Beauty Queens Dustin & Kandice, who originally ran straight to the glacier without picking up a beacon.

Luckily for Ozzy & Danny, their deficient search-and-rescue skills didn't hurt them. All of the teams ended up on the same flight to their next destination: Maputo, Mozambique.

For their first task in Africa, one member of each team completed a Roadblock involving rats. And we're not talking your typical New York subway-type rats. These rats were the size of cats and cuter than their American cousins, with cool names like Xena and Tupac.

In Mozambique, rats are trained to sniff out undetonated mines buried in the ground. Racers attached adorable little harnesses to their rats and guided them along a short course. When the rat began to dig, a man with a metal detector confirmed the presence of a mine (already disabled, of course) and dug up a buried clue.

The racers seemed to form attachments quickly to their rats. Ian was encouraging: "C'mon, Tupac, find me a mine!" And Ozzy promised to liberate his rat: "I'll set you free after, and take you to a nice lab, where they'll apply make-up to you."

Joe's rat, Nelson, found the clue first. It directed teams to look for a cluebox at Praca Dos Trabalhadores in Maputo.

Charla's rat was more interested in grooming himself than hunting for mines, and the cousins were the last team to leave the Roadblock. But they weren't out of the running, yet.

While most of the teams took a circuitous route back to Maputo, Charla & Mirna followed a road that led them straight to the heart of the city. They reached the cluebox in third place.

The clue was a Detour: Pamper or Porter. In Pamper, teams drove to a market and picked up a manicure kit. They needed to earn 30 Meticals (US$1) by convincing women to let them paint their nails.

In Porter, teams drove to a different market where they filled ten 45 lb. bags with coal and sewed the bags shut. Then they carried one bag to a nearby address to receive their next clue.

Most of the teams chose Porter, assuming that the more physically demanding task is usually the more straightforward. What they didn't know is that many women at the market were willing to pay at least 10 Meticals for a polish application, making Pamper the much faster of the two Detours.

Bill & Joe and Ozzy & Danny, the two teams most likely to discuss their own manicures, chose Porter -- and quickly regretted it. They worked under the hot sun, and filling the bags was hard, messy work.

The men's arms were covered in soot, and as they rubbed the sweat from their faces, Joe & Bill inadvertently gave themselves Hitler-style moustaches. His own face covered in soot, Danny asked Ozzy, "Do I look like Rambo?" Ozzy replied, "You look like a faggy raccoon."

At the other market, Charla & Mirna got right to work, even soliciting men for manicures. After a couple of men took them up on their offer, Mirna said, "I'm glad they have metrosexuals everywhere in the world."

After earning more than enough money, Charla & Mirna received a clue directing them to the Pit Stop at Fortaleza, the oldest building in Maputo. The cousins arrived in first place and won a trip to Aruba.

The Beauty Queens also (fittingly) chose to give manicures. Kandice gave a free manicure to a cute little girl who didn't have the money to pay. Their smart Detour choice got them to the Pit Stop in second place.

Uchenna & Joyce and Eric & Danielle decided to do Porter. Teri & Ian had intended to do the same, but their driver took them to the market featuring the Pamper Detour. Ian was skeptical about their chance of success and wanted to leave. But Teri convinced him to spend five minutes trying to drum up business.

It paid off, as they earned all the money they needed from just two manicures. Teri gave two of the sloppiest polish jobs I've ever seen -- almost worth the 50 cents they each cost. Thanks to their driver's error, Teri & Ian finished the leg in third place.

One by one, the teams from the Porter task filtered in to the Pit Stop. Ozzy & Danny finished in fourth place, checking in only after Oswald spent a few minutes chasing host Phil Keoghan, threatening him with sooty hugs.

They were followed by Joe & Bill, who beat Eric & Danielle in a footrace to the finish mat.

Uchenna & Joyce arrived last but were not eliminated. Instead, they were Marked for Elimination, meaning that they'll face a 30-minute penalty if they fail to finish the next leg in first place.

Next week, things look bleak for Uchenna & Joyce, as Uchenna struggles during a Roadblock. And Danielle threatens to quit racing after she and Eric are removed from a plane.

DwtS 4 Preseason Power Rankings

Until we've seen them dance in Monday's premiere, it's completely impossible to predict how the cast of Dancing with the Stars 4 will fare. But that's not going to stop me from trying.

Obviously, he celebrities who dance the best will likely last many weeks, and most of the uncoordinated oafs will be eliminated early. But dancing ability isn't the only thing that matters on DwtS.

Here are the MOIB predictions for the order of elimination, before we've seen a single chasse. Last season, I predicted Mario would finish ninth and Emmitt fifth. And I picked Harry to win. So, while preseason prognostication isn't my strong suit, it's still fun to guess.

11. Shandi Finnessey & Brian Fortuna
For whatever reason, there seems to be a trend among DwtS's fanbase. Regardless of how well they dance, beautiful blonde celebs (e.g., Stacy Keibler, Shanna Moakler, Willa Ford, and Rachel Hunter) have had trouble garnering audience votes over an extended period.

Shandi Finnessey is a blonde beauty queen, which could make her Public Enemy Number One. Unless Shandi dyes her hair, performs sans makeup and wearing a burlap sack, there's little that her partner Brian Fortuna can do to save her.

How They Could Win: Unless Shandi proves early on that she's as congenial as she is pretty, they probably can't.

10. Clyde Drexler & Elena Grinenko
Before appearing on the show, Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice were already household names. Clyde Drexler might be a hit with NBA fans, but I'm betting that most people don't know much about him. If ABC wanted someone over six-and-a-half feet tall, they should've cast Gheorghe Muresan. At least he's been in movies.

Elena Grinenko and Tucker Carlson were the first couple eliminated last season, and I don't expect she'll last much longer this time. She's beautiful to watch, but her skill will be overshadowed by her oversized partner.

How They Could Win: Charm might buy them a few weeks, but I doubt they'll win.

9. Heather Mills & Jonathan Roberts
You don't have to conduct any polls to know that fans of Sir Paul McCartney (you know, the British Peter Tork) absolutely HATE Heather Mills. Heather will probably get a pass for the first couple weeks, before the sympathetic -- or morbidly curious -- lose interest and cast their votes elsewhere.

Jonathan Roberts performed well in Season One, but he himself is not a draw. All he can do is make Heather look good before their time runs out.

How They Could Win: If Heather's fake leg flies off and knocks out Samantha Harris, earning Heather the respect of viewers everywhere.

8. Leeza Gibbons & Tony Dovolani
Are there any hardcore Leeza Gibbons fans out there? In another season she might have been a top contender, but she's a comparative guppy in this pool of c-list sharks.

After being partnered with a sub-par dancer last season, Tony Dovolani should be motivated to go all out. Any early trips to the Bottom Two could rattle his confidence, though, and he's not nearly so endearing when he's grumpy -- as happened near the end of Season 2.

How They Could Win: If their routines are especially exciting and Leeza is much more engaging than her competitors off the floor (she has no shortage of experience being in front of the camera), they might stick around a while. But winning might be asking a bit much.

7. John Ratzenberger & Edyta Sliwinska
John Ratzenberger will be funny and likable, but haven't we seen enough slow moving old dudes on DwtS? They always seem destined to finish in the middle of the pack. Poor Edyta. Didn't she already pay her dues by dancing with George Hamilton and Evander Holyfield?

How They Could Win: Sadly for Edyta, I doubt they can. Even if Ratzenberger wins over the viewing audience, the judges will probably compensate by giving very low scores in the later rounds.

6. Apolo Anton Ohno & Julianne Hough
Except for the marquee events, I don't even know what demographics watch the Olympics, anymore. I generally see just enough to know the top Americans in most sports -- and which other competitors have cool nicknames, like The White Sausage. Ohno is no sausage, but he has won a bunch of medals, so I (and, I suspect, most casual Olympic viewers) at least know who he is.

Julianne Hough is a new cast member who could make a big impression on fans. She's cute as a button and barely out of high school; every preteen girl is going to want to be her. Don't be surprised if your adolescent neighbors have Apolo's voting number in their Five.

Apolo's biggest hurdle could be finding enough time to practice. Because of Ohno's skating schedule, he's had only a couple weeks to get ready.

How They Could Win: Apolo & Julianne are my sleeper pick this season. If they're cute and endearing -- and he picks up the moves quickly -- there's a chance they could sneak their way to the top.

5. Laila Ali & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Laila Ali is beautiful and she could beat the crap out of you. On top of that, there's a chance that her famous dad might show up for a taping of the show.

But she's paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy. I'm not saying that Maks is the world's hunkiest albatross, but he's placed in the Bottom Two during the first episode of each season he's been on. And despite subsequent strong performances, he and his partners have always been eliminated before their season's token old men. Here's hoping he breaks that curse this season.

How They Could Win: Sexy routines, perfect execution, and positive attitudes. If they can avoid the Bottom Two for the first few weeks, consider them contenders.

4. Billy Ray Cyrus & Karina Smirnoff
BRC is a country star with a show on the Disney Channel. A built-in fanbase like that should be the kiss of death for his competitors. But there could be some backlash against last season's trend, when country star Sara Evans enjoyed massive audience support, despite her poor dancing. Billy Ray might not be able to win over the new fans he needs to take the trophy. Then again, he might... if he promises to regrow his once-fearsome mullet.

Karina Smirnoff is an amazing dancer, and I'm excited to see how she adjusts to a celeb who's not a ringer. But her cranky demeanor last season rubbed some show fans the wrong way. Also, I'm scared she's going to work some stupid line dancing gimmick into their early routines. An excess of boot scooting would be a major turn-off.

How They Could Win: ABC threatens to air nothing but Hannah Montana marathons on (fellow Disney affiliate) ESPN unless Cyrus gets the trophy.

3. Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo
Paulina Porizkova & Alec Mazo are hands-down the most attractive couple in the cast. I'd be content to watch them shovel crap. If they get eliminated early, maybe they can guest host an episode of Dirty Jobs. Paulina's modeling experience should lend their performances a poise that the other female celebs may lack.

Except for the first season, female celebrities haven't fared nearly as well in the voting as their male counterparts have (and Kelly Monaco's victory was challenged in a rematch). Hopefully, Paulina and the other women will get a fairer shake this time, but I'm not optimistic that a female celebrity will win Dancing with the Stars.

How They Could Win: If female fans can resist the urge to vote for the cutest male celebrity, no matter what, then Paulina & Alec have a great chance.

2. Joey Fatone & Kym Johnson
As a former member of 'N Sync, Joey Fatone has the same boy band experience that helped Drew Lachey win DwtS 2. Joey's used to playing to a live audience, he has some dance experience, and, if his promotional photos are any indication, he's having a great time. That's always the key to winning fans' hearts.

Joey also has a great partner. Kym Johnson was able to make Jerry Springer look like a good dancer, so she's sure to do an incredible job with a partner 30 years Jerry's junior.

So why don't I think they'll win? See couple number one below.

How They Could Win: Joey & Kym are so undeniably happy and fun to watch that the audience can't help but vote for them.

1. Ian Ziering & Cheryl Burke
Sorry, Ian. The reason you're ranked first has little to do with you, and everything to do with your partner. Cheryl Burke has led her partners to victory the last two seasons, and I'm not about to challenge historical precedent.

Frankly, I'm surprised producers didn't pair Cheryl with someone over 60 just to level the playing field. As long as Cheryl sticks with her winning formula -- playing to her partner's strengths and enabling him to look effortless in sometimes cheeky routines -- Ian is a heavy favorite to win this season's trophy.

How They Could Lose: They're at risk if Ian moves like a gorilla or acts like one in his interview segments. They shouldn't be an early boot, no matter what, but Ian should work at being the most charming guy out there. Time to flash that Steve Sanders smile.

Apprentice L.A.: Episode 8

Surya's days were numbered the moment he joined the dysfunctional Arrow Corporation. He finally had to pay the price on The Apprentice: L.A., when his team's luck ran out and his lack of leadership skills was exposed.

Teams had to design a halftime show to promote GNC. The show was then performed at an L.A. Galaxy soccer game.

Kristy of Kinetic Corp. had experience planning this kind of event, and she went with the classic on-field race of the oversized mascots. It works every time. Need proof? Watch these sausages:



Kinetic ran several giant vitamins around obstacles like Osteoporosis and Heart Disease, while Angela narrated the race in an incomprehensible, screeching voice. To cater to the Spanish speakers in the crowd, Muna narrated some of the race in that language, as well.

So far, Muna's only positive contribution to her team seems to be her Spanish-speaking skills. She spent the rest of this task micromanaging and questioning the abilities of the professional prop builders and trying to undermine Kristy's authority.

Still, Kinetic was in much better shape than Arrow. Tim had the dumb idea of staging a mock boxing match between Average Joe (played by Tim, of course) vs. Life (symbolized by four guys dressed like high school goths). Only after some assistance from GNC Vitamin Guy (played by James in a costume that looked like a big tube of lipstick) could Average Joe beat life's problems.

Not only was the story lame, but it relied heavily on narration -- not exactly the kind of spectacle that plays well in front of tens of thousands of fans. Frank's voice was fine for the announcing, but the story went on and on.

Only after buying their props and writing their script did James mention that perhaps the team's idea wasn't a good one. Since it was too late to change course, the complaint was little more than James pre-planning his own defense when they wound up in the Boardroom.

And wind up in the Boardroom they did. However, according to a fan who attended the Galaxy game, Kinetic didn't win by as big of a margin as producers would have you believe.

In the Boardroom, Surya blamed the loss on Tim's stupid idea and James's complaining. Surya railed against James for his "disloyalty" -- an argument that seemed pretty flimsy when Surya followed it up by saying he wished that he'd never left Kinetic, as they were the superior team.

Tim displayed some surprising honesty, once he realized that he was in no danger of being fired. When James attacked Surya for going with the first concept suggested, Tim backed up Surya (instead of his buddy, James) and said that the PM had actually asked several times for more ideas.

Just as it seemed he had a chance, Surya made the perfect argument for his own elimination. He proudly announced that he is a great team member, just not a great leader.

After hearing that, Trump fired Surya. And, like any true bitterman, Surya sulked, "It just shows that the best person doesn't always win." Maybe. But neither will you, Surya.

Next week, the candidates head to Hollywood and the feud between Kristy and Muna heats up.

The Amazing Race: All Stars -- Episode 4

One good result of tonight's episode of The Amazing Race: All Stars is that the other teams will now have to find something besides Rob & Amber to focus on. As for me, I'll actually miss them a bit. I didn't want them to win, but they never made for boring TV.

Teams started the leg in Petrohue, Chile, and flew to Punta Arenas, Chile, to search for a wrecked ship. The last two teams to leave the Pit Stop, The Guidos and Charla & Mirna, missed the first flight, putting them almost two hours behind the pack.

In fairness, Charla & Mirna have more to overcome than their competitors. If you don't believe me (and I myself don't), just ask Mirna. According to her: "I do more than any one single person has probably ever had to do on the race to compensate for any shortcomings that we have."

At the shipwreck, teams found a Detour -- Navigate It or Sign It -- that drew on the region's connection to explorer Ferdinand Magellan.

In Navigate It, teams used maps and a compass to find a building housing a deep-sea salvage business. In Sign It, teams had to use another map to correctly identify and spell the fourteen stops on Magellan's voyage, and then arrange them correctly on a vertical signpost.

Oswald & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and Teri & Ian immediately chose Navigate It. This turned out to be the much simpler task because there was only one way to screw it up -- you were either walking the right direction, or you weren't.

On the other hand, Rob & Amber, Uchenna & Joyce, and the Beauty Queens each found a different way to fail at Sign It.

Rob & Amber got the order of the ports correct, but misspelled Philippines (as "Phillipeans"). Uchenna & Joyce thought that the legendary Portugese explorer started his voyage in Guam, instead of Seville. And Dustin & Kandice invented extra rules to follow, halting their progress.

Uchenna & Joyce were the only ones to figure out their error, but they didn't do it quickly enough. The three teams who'd chosen Navigate It had already taken all of the seats on the first of two charter planes to their next destination: Ushuaia, Argentina. The second charter would leave three hours later than the first.

The Beauty Queens suggested working together with Rob & Amber on Navigate It, rather than allowing the Guidos and Charla & Mirna to catch up. Unfortunately, the sign debacle had shattered Rob's confidence, and he started making mistakes that hurt both teams.

As the teams tried to figure out their compasses, the Guidos (whose flight had landed two hours later) ran right past them, mid-Detour. Then, Rob led the teams to a naval museum instead of the salvage company. After finally finding their clue, Kandice observed, "I don't think that teaming up with Rob & Amber was necessarily helpful."

Meanwhile, Charla & Mirna worked against themselves, spending more time arguing about their slow progress than picking up the pace. They were lucky that there were only two charter flights.

When the first flight arrived in Ushuaia, teams rode to the seaside Playa Larga to look for their next clue. Teri & Ian ran down the first trail they saw, in the opposite direction of the trail marked with red-and-yellow Amazing Race flags.

Ozzy & Danny and Eric & Danielle found the clue first, directing them to Isla Redonda, the southernmost point of South America. Ferries to the island ran every 20 minutes, and each could carry a maximum of two teams.

Eric & Danielle and Ozzy & Danny shared the first ferry, and Teri & Ian caught the second.

On Isla Redonda, teams entered "The Post Office at the End of the World" for their next Roadblock. One team member sorted through a large bag of mail looking for a letter addressed to his team.

Ozzy, Eric, and eventually Teri did the sorting, and were pleased to discover that their letters were written by another team from their original season. Ozzy & Danny heard from Blake & Paige, Eric & Danielle from their former partners Jeremy and Dani, and Teri & Ian get a letter from Season 3 winners Flo & Zach.

After reading their letter and getting their clue, Ozzy & Danny ran to the Pit Stop, finished the leg in first place, and won a trip to Maui. When Danny asked Phil Keoghan if he'd like to join them on vacation, Phil replied, "That's a whole different reality show."

Eric & Danielle came in second, followed by Teri & Ian in third.

When the second charter arrived, the Guidos, Uchenna & Joyce, and the Beauty Queens got the only cabs outside the airport, and Rob & Amber and Charla & Mirna were forced to wait. The lead teams found their clue with no problems and gathered at the dock to wait for the ferry.

After finally hailing cabs, Rob & Amber reached Playa Larga first and ran down the same incorrect path that Teri & Ian had. Amber realized they'd gone the wrong way, and they turned around. As they approached Charla & Mirna, Amber shouted, "I got it!" and Rob waved an old clue around.

For just a moment, Charla & Mirna believed Amber, and they continued down the wrong path. When they realized they'd been had, they cursed Amber as a liar and turned around.

Of the teams still racing, The Guidos and the Beauty Queens were on the first ferry to Isla Redonda. The Guidos got a nonsensical rhyme from Frank, one half of Frank & Margaretta. The Beauty Queens received a kind letter from Lyn, the nicer half of their Season 10 arch-rivals, Lyn & Karlyn.

Season 7 rivals Uchenna & Joyce and Rob & Amber travelled in the next ferry. Uchenna & Joyce got a letter from Susan & Patrick, encouraging them not to trust "you know who." (Rob & Amber, of course)

As Rob sifted through his sack of mail, Charla & Mirna showed up. When Mirna found her team's letter first, they taunted Rob & Amber, Charla going so far as to call Amber, "Lying bitch!"

Fittingly, the cousins' letter was from Marshall & Lance, the two brothers famous for coining "Mirna & Schmirna," and for driving by Mirna and yelling out, "Bitch!" during Season 5. The pizza-making brothers hoped for the cousins' swift elimination.

Rob found his team's letter, which was also from Susan & Patrick. Like Marshall & Lance, the mother-son duo took the opportunity to hurl childish remarks, while their targets were half-a-world away. Patrick wished car trouble and starvation upon Rob & Amber.

Not knowing how far this season's biggest threats were behind them, Mirna screamed at Charla, "Level 5! Level 5!" Whatever the hell it meant, it worked, and Charla & Mirna finished second to last, again.

Rob & Amber reached the finish mat and were informed that they'd been eliminated from the race. They lied and said they were happy just to have had the chance to compete again.

Next week, expect many of the teams to attribute Rob & Amber's elimination to some kind of karmic retribution. Also, teams take part in a challenge involving a giant rat -- and Joyce is the only one who thinks the rat is cute. I guess that explains Uchenna. (Zing!)

Survivor: Fiji -- Episode 5

Even though Moto continues to dominate challenges -- and Ravu finds innovative ways to lose -- the tribes may be more similar than they might appear. All the men of Survivor: Fiji have one thing in common: they can't stand the women.

The episode started with another lopsided Reward Challenge, in which Moto demolished Ravu. Members of each tribe faced off in sumo-style matches, using a padded bolster to push their opponents out of the ring.

Everyone matched up with an opponent of the same gender for the first six matches. Yao Man and Stacy were the last competitors for their teams and had to face off against each other. It was the only match that Ravu won, and Yao Man received tepid applause from his teammates.

Moto claimed the spoils of victory: more fishing gear, a pot full of potatoes, a basket of toiletries, and a tray of equipment for brewing coffee. They also sent Earl to Exile Island.

It was back at camp that the first real social rifts in Moto were exposed. Dreamz didn't know how to use a French press to make coffee, and because he wasn't a part of her alliance, Stacy wouldn't tell him. She and Lisi almost went out of their way to be rude to Dreamz. (They didn't show Cassandra how to use the press, either, so she was also stuck sipping coffee grounds.)

Alex pulled Stacy aside and tried to explain why it was in the alliance's best interests to keep outcasts Dreamz and Cassandra happy. Assuming that the teams are to merge when there are ten survivors left, if Moto won every challenge until then, the balance of power would be 7-3.

If Dreamz and Cassandra defect -- or as Alex put it, "deflect" -- to Ravu, the teams would be tied at 5-5. Moto would lose the advantage it had worked so hard to earn from its run of challenge victories.

Stacy was not convinced by Alex's logic, and she planned to continue being rude to Dreamz and Cassandra. So did Lisi. So did Boo.

Alex sat on a hill screaming, "Kill me! Kill me! God, kill me now!" after his words failed to sink in with his foolish alliance members. Only Edgardo agreed with Alex, but stupidity still ruled the alliance, 3-2.

The men of Ravu were similarly suffering at their camp. Anthony, Mookie, Rocky, and Yao Man could only pretend to sleep as Rita and Michelle discussed in detail the intricacies of their makeup routines.

Rita also said that, despite what some people thought, she was actually a very low-maintenance kind of girl -- a lie born of willful ignorance. Women, if people think you are high-maintenance, it's because you are. Sorry.

The girl talk was bad enough that Rocky pulled Anthony aside so that they could bond by complaining about Rita, even though days before Rocky had been trying to vote Anthony out of the tribe.

When the teams met for the Immunity Challenge, it seemed like the playing field had finally been leveled. The tribes played a good, old-fashioned game of Memory.

One at a time, a member of each team flipped over a card attached to an easel and searched for its match among a couple dozen other easels. All of the competitors could see the cards as they were flipped, but were not allowed to offer help to the players on the field.

Yao Man made an early mistake when he forgot the location of a card he'd seen less than a minute before. Later, the teams were tied,when Rocky's turn came up for the winning point. Everyone offered him suggestions on which cards to flip, and Rocky's exhausted, malnourished brain simply couldn't process all of the information.

He walked out onto the field, flipped over one card, and realized he had no idea what to do next, even though the matching card had recently been shown. Rocky ended his turn without a match. Cassandra went next and quickly handed Moto yet another victory.

Rocky took the blame for the loss when Ravu got back to camp, but his team only briefly considered eliminating him. The girls still wanted to get rid of Anthony, and Rocky was done listening to Rita.

At Tribal Council, the men of Ravu decided that Rita was way more annoying than Anthony, and Rita was eliminated.

Survivor takes a brief hiatus next week due to the NCAA basketball tournament. It will return with a new episode on Wednesday, March 21. That episode promises a twist -- which, according to the previews, looks like a chance for the Survivors to switch teams.

If Alex is really as smart as he seems to be, as soon as Dreamz and Cassandra start walking toward the Ravu tribe (which you know they will), he should follow right along.

If Alex stays with his Coalition of the Stupid, he's doomed. But if he "deflects" to Ravu, he might have a chance. A foursome of Alex, Cassandra, Anthony, and Earl could make it very far in the game.

We'll see what happens. This episode, with its coffee incident and Alex's inability to sway his teammates, could wind up being the pivotal 60 minutes of the season.

Apprentice L.A. -- Episode 7

In the boardroom, Donald Trump managed to turn an otherwise uneventful episode of The Apprentice into a memorable one -- thanks to a little help from Derek and Jenn.

This week's task was boring: throw a party for Lexus owners to show off a new car model. Team Arrow, renewed by several days of mansion living, did just enough to win the task. Bring out a few trays of fancy snacks, let the fat cats drive the car around the parking lot, and bingo -- easy victory.

It should be noted that Stefani and Frank set the entire event up themselves, with no help from inept Project Manager Surya, who was too busy writing strategy notes on a dry erase board to actually implement any strategy.

Jenn was eager to prove herself and took the helm as Project Manager of the tent-dwelling Team Kinetic. The team sat quietly for three hours, at which point "Creative Team Leader" Angela admitted that she had no ideas for the event.

The group decided to call their event "The Sixth Sense of Luxury" and wanted a supernatural theme. So Derek -- just throwing out ideas -- suggested go-karts and a magician. For some reason, Jenn agreed.

Kinetic's event ran as well as it could have (i.e., terribly). Jenn stumbled through a presentation about the new car, and then customers weren't even allowed to take the car for a spin. Instead, skirt-clad women tried to demurely wedge themselves into tiny go-karts. Not exactly the image of luxury Lexus had hoped to present.

Trump's viceroy for the week, Apprentice 4 winner Randal, announced Arrow's victory in the Boardroom. The winners got the chance to rap with Snoop Dogg, although I use the term "rap" loosely.

In the Boardroom, Trump tried to figure out who to blame for Kinetic's loss. Derek admitted to suggesting the go-karts, in part, he said, because he was "white trash" and didn't know how to throw a party for wealthy Lexus owners.

Trump became incensed at the term "white trash," called Derek stupid, and fired him on the spot. But the others weren't off the hook just yet.

Randal had a million questions for Kinetic, specifically Angela and Jenn. He interrupted Trump several times to ask his questions before Trump finally told him to shut up. Meanwhile, Surya, predictably, said nothing.

Muna, Kristine, and Heidi all agreed that Jenn's decision to use the go-karts was the team's downfall, and it became clear that Jenn's number was up. Trump said to Jenn, "Your team didn't have great respect for you."

Jenn smiled at Trump and said, "Before you fire me, can I just say one thing? Because I know you're about to do it." Trump allowed Jenn her final words.

Jenn turned to her team and asked about Trump's comment that they didn't respect her. Heidi spoke for the team and said, "We respect you."

Trump said, "Fine. They respect you. Jennifer, you're fired." As she stood to leave, Jennifer said she'd had fun and that her teammates were "great."

After a group hug in the driveway, Jenn got in her chauffeured car and drove off. As she departed, Jenn said cheerfully, "You never know who's gonna be the next Apprentice. It's not me!"

Finally, someone kept this damned show in perspective. As far as I can tell, all that winning The Apprentice allows you to do is fill in as a viceroy when Trump's kids are busy.

And, as has been the case in the past few seasons, this season has no real stars. Heidi and Stefani have shown to have some leadership ability, and Muna and Kristine have displayed some competence.

But would you hire any of the other jabronis to mow your lawn, let alone run a company? I don't think so. How much value would a victory over these clowns be worth anyway? Jenn correctly figured the answer: not much.

The Amazing Race All-Stars -- Episode 3

Tonight's episode of The Amazing Race: All-Stars proved what many of us had long suspected: David & Mary are nothing without their buddies from last season, the Cho Brothers.

Teams started the leg in Calama, Chile, and they headed to the airport in the middle of the night to book flights to Puerto Montt, Chile. Race leaders Rob & Amber found an all-night travel agency and booked seats on a flight that arrived at 12:55 the following afternoon.

At the airport, Uchenna & Joyce announced to the other teams present -- Ozzy & Danny, Eric & Danielle, and the Guidos, Joe & Bill -- that they were going to find a hotel with an Internet connection. They offered to book seats online for the other teams, who then wrote their credit card information on slips of paper.

Unfortunately, the Guidos were the only team to write down their credit card's security code, so they were the only other team Uchenna & Joyce could buy tickets for.

Eric & Danielle were first in line when the airport ticket counters opened and were still able to get tickets on the early flight. Everyone else wound up on a flight that arrived one hour later.

In Puerto Montt, teams drove to a fish farm for this leg's Roadblock. One team member needed to use a basket to transport 80 live flounder from a small breeding tank to a large holding tank approximately 50 meters downhill.

Danielle regretted her choice to do the Roadblock as soon as she got near her tank. She didn't like fish to begin with, and being forced to catch them with her bare hands didn't help. She could barely hear Eric calling her a "baby" over the sound of her own screaming.

Only a few of the floppy fish would fit in the basket at once, so the fish wranglers had to climb out of the tank frequently to lug their cargo to the holding tank. Rob could only chuckle as Eric, with the utmost sensitivity, encouraged Danielle to "use your boobs" to pin the fish down as she carried them. She did.

Bill remained calm as he lugged his cargo, bragging, "I'm the fish whisperer." Ozzy urged his partner to follow Bill's lead, telling Danny in a serene voice, "Be the fish. Become the fish."

Once all of the fish were transported, a clue written on the bottom of the tank became visible. The team member who did the Roadblock had to get back in the tank to copy it down.

The clue told teams to head toward the town of Petrohue, where they would find a popular tourist spot along the way called La Maquina.

Bill scanned the bottom of his tank too quickly and missed the part about Petrohue. He and Joe drove around aimlessly, asking people where La Maquina was (Nobody knew, as it was an hour away). Luckily for the Guidos, they chanced upon Charla & Mirna -- the last team to complete the Roadblock -- at a gas station.

When teams arrived at La Maquina, they were given their choice of Detour tasks. Team members could walk 200 yards to a rock face and each climb 40 feet, or drive over two miles farther and raft through level-4 rapids.

All of the teams chose the river rafting. Teri was the only racer to fall in the water. Afterward, she said, "It was exciting to fall out of the boat!"

Beauty Queens Dustin & Kandice, who've had some trouble navigating this season, made a potentially disastrous blunder. They found the river rafting Detour before they found the La Maquina clue that actually told them to do the Detour. Instead of realizing they'd skipped a step, they jumped right into a raft.

When they came ashore, the clue they found directed them to the Pit Stop at a camp three miles up the road.

Rob & Amber had already finished in first place (for the third consecutive time), followed by Uchenna & Joyce and Eric & Danielle. Host Phil Keoghan told the Beauty Queens that they couldn't check in until they retrieved the clue they'd missed.

Fortunately for them, the girls figured out their mistake and returned with their clue before any other teams had checked in. The were followed by Ozzy & Danny and Teri & Ian.

Charla & Mirna and the Guidos caught a break when Dave & Mary made a wrong turn, although the cousins managed to squander almost all of the meager lead they had.

Charla & Mirna were first into their raft, but the Guidos chased them down the river. Then, Mirna realized she'd left their car keys in a tent where they'd changed into their rafting gear. By the time she found the keys, the Guidos had checked in, and David & Mary had almost caught up. Almost.

The Kentucky coal miner and his wife were the latest victims in a very satisfying trend this season. Thus far, only the weakest teams have been eliminated. Even when the stronger teams have made mistakes, they haven't been too costly -- yet

Assuming that the trend continues, Charla & Mirna could be the next team to go. As entertaining as their manic overreactions and mangled attempts at Spanish are, they're just not racing as well as they did during Season 5.

Survivor: Fiji -- Episode 4

The tribe that won the reward and immunity challenges on this episode of Survivor: Fiji also lost two of its members. Meanwhile, the tribe that lost both challenges remained completely intact. Huh?

Ravu started the episode still reeling from its fifth consecutive loss. Earl's suggestion that the tribe clear the air and talk about their problems resulted in Rocky launching a volley of insults against Anthony, whom Rocky blamed for the team's failures.

Privately, Anthony tearfully confessed to being hurt by the comments, but he vowed to continue. Earl admitted that, while it was becoming harder to protect his friend, he wasn't ready to give up on Anthony just yet.

The Reward Challenge was another rehashed Survivor classic: one at a time, contestants had to move past their tribemates, who were standing side-by-side on a balance beam over the water. The trick is to lean back while holding hands, allowing you to effectively swing slowly past your teammate, as you counterbalance each other.

As both teams struggled early on, Jeff Probst said that there was a learning curve to the challenge. But nobody figured out the lean-back-and-swing tactic. Instead, the members of Moto squatted down and let one person at a time crawl over them. Crude, but effective.

Moto won a big, fluffy bed and pillows for their camp, along with some fish and a selection of spices. They sent Yau Man to Exile Island, where he learned that the Hidden Immunity Idol is buried directly under the highest point of Ravu's cave.

Moto didn't have much time to celebrate their victory after returning to camp. Gary's health woes finally became too much for him--he couldn't breathe and had been lightheaded for days -- so the medical boat ferried him out of the game to a facility where he could receive proper treatment.

Meanwhile, at Ravu's camp, Michelle and Rita suffered a totally different kind of pain. They witnessed Rocky's plan for boosting team morale before the next challenge: walking around camp naked. Rita winced as she recounted the horrors of seeing cocky Rocky's Equus audition.

Losing a member didn't hurt Moto at the Immunity Challenge; in fact, shedding the physically unfit Gary may have helped. And Rocky's striptease did nothing to help his team. Ravu quickly fell behind, as both teams raced across styrofoam squares to rescue tribemembers from floating cages, and a last minute surge wasn't enough to earn them their first win.

But Jeff Probst had a trick up his sleeve: a note with special instructions for the winning team. Moto was given the choice of retaining their immunity but switching camps with Ravu, or surrendering immunity to Ravu but staying at the nice camp.

Moto chose comfort and agreed to head to their first Tribal Council. Because of Gary's departure, the choice to stay at the nice camp meant that, after Tribal Council, both teams would have an equal number of members (seven).

Dreamz, mistakenly believing that no one had formed alliances yet, suggested that they choose between voting out Cassandra or Lisi, the tribe's weakest challenge competitors. However, Lisi had already formed a partnership with Stacy, Edgardo, Alex, and Boo, and they weren't going to vote for her.

Lisi and Stacy suggested that their alliance vote for the flirtatious Liliana, the only woman with any chance of breaking up their alliance. Alex and the other men said that it was foolish to eliminate the strongest woman on the tribe.

That's when Lisi and Stacy made it clear that voting for Liliana wasn't a suggestion, it was an order.

At Tribal Council, the men of the alliance caved to the pressure, and Liliana was eliminated. She was stunned (as was Cassandra, who clearly expected to go home), and told Jeff on her way out that voting her out this early was the only way any of her tribemates could've beaten her.

Next week, Yau Man searches for the Immunity Idol, and Rocky reignites his feud with Dreamz.