$1 Million For Your Dignity

Original Survivor Richard Hatch's legal troubles made the front page of Yahoo! again. The story as a whole isn't that interesting, but the second sentence in the article is (the italics are mine):

"U.S. District Judge Ernest Torres on Wednesday denied three motions filed by lawyers for Richard Hatch, the Newport man who sometimes competed naked on the CBS reality show."

How sad would it be if the second thing people said about you -- in Richard's case, the first is that he won the first season of Survivor -- was that you were naked on television? "Jane Smith, the mother of two who was naked on Judging Amy..." It's not a good image to have forever attached to your name.

What's worse is that Richard's not the only Survivor cast member with that problem. Survivor: Amazon gave us two others: Jenna M., the Amazon winner who got naked for peanut butter, and Heidi, the former gym teacher who got naked to share that peanut butter.

Reality show contestants: the producers may tell you to pretend the cameras aren't there, but they still are. If you get naked, that's what they'll show and that's all the audience will remember. And there's no glory in being known as The Naked Guy.

Circus of the Damned

In what proved to be this season's most uncomfortable hour of television, Dawna was chosen as the winner of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Despite the fact that nobody wanted to be there, and nobody would be watching anyway, Martha and the crew gave a resentful, half-hearted effort for the finale.

The show began with footage of Bethenny and Dawna working with their teams in the final hours before their events. All of the pieces of Bethenny's circus fell into place, despite the fact that no members of her team knew what they were supposed to be doing. Bethenny remained confident, positive that nothing could go wrong so long as she just did everything herself.

Families came in droves to attend the circus. Bethenny managed to round up some cool items for the silent auction, including lessons at trapeze school. The circus performance went off without a hitch, mostly because it was performed by professionals instead of Jim walking a high wire as Carrie and Ryan juggled. When it was all over, Bethenny gave her team what Jim described as a "lukewarm handshake," and sped off in her private car.

As a side note, the circus performance in the club did give me a better idea of what some of the locations in Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series must look like. The floor shows at Guilty Pleasures and Danse Macabre must be held in an area like the one on tonight's episode of The Apprentice. However, if Bethenny tried to stage her circus in the world of Anita Blake, she'd have to make sure that every man's nipples were visibly erect. But I digress.

Dawna's fashion show didn't seem to be going all that well. She'd delegated too much work to Amanda, and that was definitely Dawna's fault. But when Dawna and Sarah offered to help, Amanda's pride wouldn't let her take them up on it. Consequently, Amanda was called out by a Liz Claiborne executive for misnaming items of clothing, coordinating bad outfits, running late, and mispronouncing the name "Liz Claiborne." When Amanda finally fessed up to having more work than she could handle, it was only after she'd already missed the deadline for getting the show programs to the printer.

Amazingly, the fashion show began on time, only with programs that had no Liz Claiborne logo and lots of off-center text. The L.C. exec expressed her disappointment with the program to Sarah. But she was happy with the end result, commending Dawna on a job well done. For the first time all season, we saw Dawna emote, getting teary-eyed as she watched the final model walk down the runway. If I saw someone walking toward me in a dress that ugly, I'd probably cry, too.

In contrast to Bethenny's team, Dawna's team rallied around her, and she made sure to thank everyone individually. They gave one final team cheer, and Dawna drove off, again with tears in her eyes. Even Howie was bummed, knowing that they wouldn't see Dawna again until the finale.

The live portions of the finale were held on the chic -- and not at all last minute -- set of Martha's daytime talk show. That program is filmed in New York City, and Martha grumbled about how hard the transit strike made it to get to the finale, which she didn't want to attend in the first place. As my brother would say: "Salt!" Martha blandly read from cue cards, going so far as to read the numbers of the questions she asked the finalists' teammates: "Question number one: Amanda, what does Dawna lack as a leader?" Martha sounded more like Alex Trebek than Donald Trump.

Then it was time to ask the viceroys' opinions. Charles said some crap about Bethenny, and then Alexis prefaced her comments saying viewers could hear her real thoughts about Dawna on her daily show on Sirius Satellite Radio. Great! Alexis was so over The Apprentice that she only showed up so she could plug her radio show. Mother will make sure that sassy young lady goes to bed without dessert tonight.

Viewers were treated to montages of footage from the finalists' life outside of the show. Hyperactive Bethenny was shown multitasking, and we saw a side of Dawna we'd never seen before. She publishes a women's sports magazine with her husband, drawing on her background as an athlete. After watching the entire season, I never would've guessed Dawna was the least bit athletic, or the type who could work with her spouse. It was a strange choice to wait until the finale to make Dawna relatable and interesting.

When it came time to announce her decision, Martha started with Bethenny's flaws. She described Bethenny as a show-off who needs to make her presence felt in a very physical and inappropriate way. Then Martha told Dawna that she had better business experience and was the winner. No fond wishes for Bethenny or assurances she'd be a success elsewhere, just some cruel digs. Dawna got a job at a new Martha health magazine, as well a Buick Lucerne, surprise, surprise. All Bethenny got was a beatdown on national TV.

That Was Unexpected

Randal stole the show when he surprised Donald Trump on tonight's Apprentice finale. Trump clearly wanted to hire both Randal and Rebecca, but ultimately named Randal his Apprentice. In an attempt to slip Rebecca a job, Trump asked Randal if he would hire her, were he in Trump's position. Randal stumped Trump by answering, "No," claiming that only one person deserved the title of Apprentice.

Clearly, Trump expected the answer to be yes, and the show ended awkwardly and abruptly. The answer was especially shocking after everyone had lauded Randal for his kindness. But then again, it's easier to show your real character after you've already won.

Such a Beautiful Girl to Hold Such a Grudge

Tonight's episode of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart was action packed. Jim was booted during the first half of the show, and Bethenny and Dawna began their final tasks during the second half. With so much to do, there just wasn't time to squeeze in a game of Scrabble.

After a late night waiting in vain for Marcela or Ryan to return from the conference room, the final three contestants jumped right into the dreaded corporate interviews. Jim, Bethenny, and Dawna were interviewed by four big wigs from Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. Dawna came across as bland but competent, Bethenny as manic but enthusiastic, and Jim as frightening but embarrassing.

One of the big wigs described Jim best by saying that he requires a large time investment, and she didn't have that kind of time. Martha agreed, noting in the conference room that Jim has rubbed almost everyone the wrong way. Jim creepily whispered goodbye to Julia the receptionist as he made his way to the street.

Bethenny and Dawna celebrated by donning their PJs and looking through a photo album of the other contestants. They also each chose three of the contestants to help them on their final project, before finding out what that project was. Dawna chose Sarah, Amanda, and Howie. Bethenny chose her buddy Jim, as well as Ryan and Carrie. Bethenny had never worked with Ryan before, and she'd had a hand in Carrie's elimination. Jim guessed that Bethenny chose the people she did because she had no friends.

The following day, the finalists were told that Dawna would be running a Liz Claiborne charity fashion show, and Bethenny would be managing a charity circus. Bethenny got off to a rocky start with her team, failing to tell them what their task was and instead hopping in her chauffeur-driven car and assuming they'd follow.

Day one started off well for the theoretically more competent team Dawna assembled. Dawna and Sarah worked on event setup while Amanda and Howie -- who works in the clothing industry -- chose the outfits for the fashion show.

What Dawna failed to notice was that Amanda has as much aesthetic sense as she has tact (in case you've forgotten Amanda, she has no tact), and that Howie is more intense than he is good. When Dawna and Sarah reviewed the outfits on day two, a Liz Claiborne executive told them that many of Howie and Amanda's choices would have to be changed.

Bethenny's team had a productive first day, with Jim and Carrie completing the promotional materials for the event. But Carrie couldn't forgive Bethenny for playing a part in her elimination, and Jim wasn't able to convince Carrie to move on. Instead, she confronted Bethenny about the issue, but without much reassurance -- or an apology -- from Bethenny.

A meeting with a representative from the Boys and Girls Club shifted Bethenny's focus to the charity aspect of the event. Unfortunately, she neglected every other part of the project, ignoring her teammates instead of giving them direction. Rather than directing event production, Bethenny felt her time was best spent calling businesses and asking for donations for a silent auction. As the show ended, Bethenny had one angry circus director, three confused teammates, and 50 contractors and performers with nothing to do.

Will Amanda and Howie's bad fashion choices cost Dawna the win? Will Bethenny pull her head out of her butt in time to save the circus? We'll find out next week on the live series finale of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.

The Bransens Will Betray Us

A predictable victory by the athletic Linz siblings brought an end to a disappointing season of The Amazing Race last night. The next season of The Amazing Race airs in February with two-person teams. February can't come soon enough to erase the bad memories of the Family Edition.

In its defense, the finale of the Family Edition did have a few good moments. The episode began with footage of the teams eating dinner at the final Pit Stop. The Bransen and Linz families ate together, joking about the meal being the "last supper" and wondering who at the table would betray someone. Meanwhile, the Weavers sat silently at a separate table, cursing the infidels for their sacrilegious banter.

When the race resumed, teams were given airplane tickets from Billings, Montana to Montreal, by way of Minneapolis and Toronto, but were told they could look for better flights. Airport jockeying is one of the hallmarks of the race, and while reserved seats made it easier on the production staff, it eliminated the possibility that a team would be left behind.

Upon arriving in Minneapolis from Billings, the Weavers and Linzes found an earlier flight from Toronto to Montreal. The Bransens, who started the episode in first place, fell behind as their direct flight from Minneapolis to Montreal arrived late.

In Montreal, teams searched The Underground City, which was just a disappointing bunch of hallways and not a cool city of the future, for a clue. Teams chose between curling and log rolling at this Detour. The Weavers completed the curling activity first, although the Linzes seemed to particularly enjoy playing the Olympic sport. The Bransens completed the log rolling task and all teams went to find a bunch of acrobats in a warehouse.

Inside the warehouse, one member of each team had to complete a trapeze maneuver known as a catch. Rolly, the nimblest Weaver, finished quickly. The Linzes brought out their best material as they ridiculed Alex, who had a particularly difficult time executing the maneuver. He attributed his troubles to nervous perspiration; his siblings thought his weight was the problem, helpfully calling him "fatass" as he struggled. As Alex completed his catch, the Bransens arrived. Beth nailed the move on her first try, and everyone headed to the Stade Olympique.

This is where the Weavers lost their will to win. Even though they arrived well ahead of the other teams, they lost time struggling to find the stadium entrance. Inside the stadium, they were instructed to find one of three departure times for a charter flight hidden somewhere amongst the 58,500 seats. When the clues weren't easy to find, Linda Weaver climbed on a cot and took a nap.

While she slept, the Linzes found a way to the arena's upper level and found a departure time. The Bransens followed the Linzes and finished the task as well, but not without some serious grousing from Wally. "Walder" channeled the father from A Christmas Story, muttering curses under his breath as he searched for the clue. But persistence paid off, and the Bransens got the first scheduled departure.

As the other teams settled in to get some sleep, Rebecca and Rachel Weaver moped, and a frustrated Rolly couldn't convince them to wake their mother up. Linda eventually did wake up, but by they time they found their clue, they had to leave immediately for the airport. Even though the flights left only five minutes apart from one another, the Weavers bemoaned being the last to leave.

After flying to Toronto, the families rode an elevator to the top of the CN Tower and used binoculars to search for a flag. The next Detour required them to either climb the rigging of a ship to retrieve a flag or search among 100 barefoot women in a shoe museum to find the one woman who fit a particular pair of shoes. The Linzes completed the ship task first, followed by the Bransens, who chose the shoe task. The Weavers completed the ship task next, but couldn't catch up to the others.

Teams rode in a jet boat and crossed the border into the U.S. for their last Roadblock. The final task: complete an oversized puzzle of North America. Yep, a Kindergarten level puzzle was the glorious final mission. To be fair, Wally Bransen was competitive with Nick Linz, but the Linzes triumphed. There was mercifully little footage of the Weavers for the last 15 minutes of the show. Production must not have wanted to embarrass the geographically challenged Weavers -- who, earlier in the season, didn't know that Pennsylvania was a state -- as their puzzle performance wasn't shown.

The best moments of this episode came courtesy of the Bransen family. It was hard not to tear up listening to Wally talk about how lucky he felt to have spent so much time with his adult daughters. It was a nice ending to a season filled with lame locations, lame challenges, and lame teams, for the most part. But Wally Bransen, the every-dad, was the quiet hero of the season, much like dads are in most families.

How do the Linzes plan to use their winnings? Look for the Linz Family Curling Rink to open soon in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Who Decided To Keep Her Around?

As I predicted before the season began, Danni became the newest sole Survivor on the finale of Survivor: Guatemala. Since this might be the start of a trend for me, I'm predicting the Linz family to win The Amazing Race: Family Edition and Bethenny to win The Apprentice: Martha Stewart.

Any fear that Lydia might win was erased early in the episode. The editors suddenly felt that, of the final four castaways, Lydia should narrate the action. After spending most of the season as a bit player, Lydia got more facetime than any of the other contestants--a clear sign that she was not long for the show.

Rafe had reason to believe that both Danni and Steph would take him to the final two, so he didn't need to keep Lydia around. Danni had already made a promise to Rafe (who would be immune from the vote anyway), and she knew her easiest final two opponent was Steph, so she was ready to vote Lydia out. With two votes already decided, there was no point in Stephenie forcing a tie. Plus, she's so ultra-competitive that she decided she'd rather lose the final immunity challenge to a better opponent than win over the less imposing Lydia.

The diminutive fishmonger didn't stand a chance, and the editors let us know it early on.

Before the first immunity challenge of the episode, five local tribespeople performed a ritual in front of the temple. They thanked their ancestors and roasted a chicken as an offering to their gods. What wasn't clear was how many of the remaining contestants understood that these tribespeople weren't Mayan. Their ancestors were Mayan, but the Maya empire died centuries ago. The way the final four were talking made it seem like they missed that distinction, which is too bad, since they did spend almost 40 days living in Guatemala.

The first immunity challenge took place in the largest maze ever constructed for Survivor. Contestants ran through the maze collecting puzzle pieces, bringing each piece to their puzzle board as soon as it was found. It was a tiring game, but it didn't require brute strength, so contestants were pretty evenly matched. Rafe completed his puzzle first, narrowly beating Danni and Steph.

Upon returning to camp, Steph ignored the potential for divine retribution and ate the sacrificial chicken, along with Lydia and Danni. Rafe abstained but wasn't safe from otherworldly punishment. As soon as they finished eating, the most powerful storm in 37 days rained down on the contestants. Their fire went out, all of their belongings were soaked, and a tree struck by lightning fell into their camp. Despite Lydia's prayers to every god in the pantheon, the storm didn't abate until it was time for tribal council, where she was voted out.

On Day 38, the three remaining survivors took the customary hike to honor contestants they'd voted out. There was an unsettling line drawing of each player tied to his or her torch, which was helpful, as no one would've remembered Brianna, Brooke, or Morgan without a picture. When the trio reached Bobby Jon's torch, he voiced over slow motion shots of his eyes rolling back in his head on day two, saying that the experience was a "refining moment" for him.

The final immunity challenge looked as if it would be simple. Each contestant had to stand on a small board that swiveled on top of a base. For the first hour, contestants could hold on to one rope with the right hand, and another with the left. Rafe, Danni, and Steph all balanced themselves perfectly for that first hour until they were instructed to let go of one rope. Immediately, all three lost their footing as the board swiveled underneath them. After a few tense seconds, they realized that they could lean on the post that held the ropes, which stood about three feet from the board, an easy distance for the lanky Danni.

They were allowed to continue holding on to the rope until they reached the 90 minute mark, at which point they wouldn't be allowed to use their hands at all. About 99 minutes into the challenge, Rafe pushed himself up the pole using his right hand and was disqualified. It's always sad to see a good player lose because of a momentary lapse in judgement. Danni and Steph lasted another hour before Steph fell while trying to lean in a more comfortable position. She cried while trying to recuperate from a challenge that took a much greater physical toll on her than it did Danni.

As Steph sobbed, Rafe did the unthinkable and released Danni from a promise she'd made to take him to the final two. He felt sure that she'd take him anyway, but wanted to give her the chance to make her own decision. While many viewers point to this as the moment Rafe gave away $1 million, Danni might not have honored her promise, anyway, if she really thought she couldn't win against Rafe.

After he freed her from her oath, Danni thanked Rafe for being "a great guy." As any guy who's ever had a pretty girl call him "a great guy" can tell you, this meant Rafe was toast. Fortunately, the experience of playing Survivor was the real prize for Rafe; the money just would've been a bonus.

As expected, Danni brought Stephenie to the final two, knowing that there was a lot more ill will directed at Steph than either her or Rafe. Her assumptions proved correct, as the almost jovial jury lit into Steph about her ruthless gameplay. At the final Tribal Council, Judd accused Danni of skating into the final two, and he accused Steph of lying to his wife. Despite the fact that his accusation against Stephenie was false, Judd had gotten it in his head that she'd hurt his family, and nothing would change his mind.

Steph's lone advocate was Rafe, who asked her to use her closing comments to explain why she deserved to win. That was her last hope, but she'd known for days that she couldn't win. She'd angered the two people who couldn't be swayed by reason (Judd and Jamie), and everyone else resented her because she'd gotten to play the game twice.

Steph's answers to the jury's questions were better and more honest than Danni's, but honesty wasn't really what the jury wanted. They wanted Stephenie to give them a reason not to vote for her. They didn't want to hear that Stephenie was willing to do anything to win the game, or accept that her actions were the right ones. Her presence in the final two should've been proof enough.

If Stephenie would've belabored how sorry she was or said that she should've played differently, they would've called her a hypocrite and voted against her because of it. Instead, she gave them the truth, and they still cast their votes for Danni because they were mad at Steph. While Stephenie's gameplay was ruthless, six of the jury members voted out of pettiness and spite. They voted not to give Danni $1 million, but to keep Stephenie from getting it. That hardly puts them on any moral high ground.

The reunion show was as uncomfortable and forced as always. Jeff Probst asked Jamie about his paranoia, and Jamie's incoherent answer showed that he probably is a bit off his rocker. Cindy rambled about feeling lost now that she's out of the Guatemalan jungle, and then begged for someone to give her a job since she'd lost hers to be on the show.

Apart from seeing what the contestants look like when they're not dirty and starving, reunion shows are always a letdown. Jeff never asks the questions the audience really wants answered, like why none of the jury members but Rafe voted for Stephenie. While Jeff remarked on the fit appearance of Amy and Judd, he didn't ask Danni how her lips got so huge. In the final Tribal Council, she'd said that the prize money would go to good use, so maybe she meant collagen injections and botox treatments.

Curse You, Cindy

Cindy had a chance to break the Curse of the Car on tonight's Survivor: Guatemala. Instead, she did what every Survivor in her position had done before her and kept the car she rightfully won. All it cost her was $1 million.

Cindy made mistakes throughout tonight's episode. Upon returning to camp after Tribal Council, she complained about not being in on the decision to vote Judd out. She had a right to be paranoid -- Judd wasn't consulted before Jamie got the boot -- but she shouldn't have let it show. Danni has stayed in the game by smiling and nodding while inwardly freaking out about being next to go. No good can come from showing your competition that you're afraid of them.

The Reward Challenge brought back elements from previous challenges, and Cindy narrowly beat Stephenie in a race to complete a puzzle. Upon winning, Jeff presented Cindy the keys to a Pontiac Torrent and, surprisingly, not a Buick Lucerne. The Lucerne's been featured on The Amazing Race and The Apprentice: Martha in the last week, so why not here? Jeff then gave her the option to break the curse by giving up her car in favor of giving the other four contestants their own Torrents.

Had Cindy been from Chicago, and not Florida, she would've understood the sign telling her to give up the car. As Jeff was speaking, a man on a goat rode by in the background. If she was from Chicago, Cindy would've recognized the man as Steve Bartman riding on Sam Sianis's goat. Cubs fans know that curses are real, and that you can't break them with willpower, or superior pitching, alone.

Using the logic that she might not win the million anyway, Cindy kept her car. She got to bring a buddy along for a joy ride and a barbecue, so she asked Stephenie to join her. Steph immediately said that she would've kept the car, too, although Cindy didn't seem too bothered by her decision. She reasoned that the ability to give free cars to people belonged to the Oprahs of the world, not the zookeepers.

Meanwhile, back at camp, Rafe and Danni seemed to agree that whenever you have the chance to give someone else a free car, you should take it. Just like that, Cindy lost her place as Rafe's gal pal and Danni became his new best friend. Then the two giggled and braided each other's hair, scenes mercifully left out during the editing process.

The following day, Steph was finally able to win her first individual Immunity Challenge, proving that she really is the threat everyone assumed she was. Danni's and Rafe's ill-will toward Cindy directed their voting strategy, and Cindy's efforts to mark Rafe as the biggest threat were ignored. As Cindy left with her torch, she told the remaining competitors she'd think of them whenever she looked out of her new car's sunroof. The remark drew smiles from the jury members, and even a little fist pump from Judd.

The winner will be decided on Sunday night, and if Rafe, Danni, and Steph have any sense, Lydia will be the first one voted out. Jury members can't be given the option of voting for someone they have no feelings for. Lydia is a non-entity to most of them, and if someone's still feeling betrayed, it's easy to throw a vote Lydia's way. Nobody having strong feelings about Lydia is exactly why she shouldn't be in the final two. Whether they vote for someone they like or against someone they hate, jury members should always be forced to chose.

It's totally unsatisfying when someone who was a non-factor in the game makes it to the final vote. Lill from Pearl Islands was the perfect example: she made it to the end because everyone thought they could get rid of her at any time, but forgot to actually get rid of her. Thankfully, the jury did the right thing in that case, and Sandra won the $1 million. But if Lydia wins on Sunday, I'll have to be just like Sandra and "get loud, too. What the f#*k!"

The Beer Was Free

Two contestants were shown the door on tonight's episode of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Matchstick's embarrassing airline commercial inspired Martha to fire both Ryan and Marcela. Looks like someone needs to buy Ryan a drink.

The three-person wrecking crew, Primarius, has been on a roll the last few tasks. Dawna, Bethenny, and Jim have found an effective way to work together, and Bethenny was able to capitalize her team's momentum as this week's Project Manager. She made most of the major decisions about Primarius' 30-second commercial, leaving the administrative tasks to Dawna. Jim was given assignments that would keep him out of trouble, including drawing up the storyboard and schmoozing the actors who'd be starring in the commercial.

Primarius listened to the executives of Song airlines while designing their commercial. The executives specified that the target audience was women in their 40s. Bethenny crafted a spot featuring a married couple, a mother with a child, and a businessman; each vignette showed people that the target audience could relate to, either as a wife, a mother, or a business traveler.

Matchstick took the opposite approach. Project Manager Ryan disregarded the airline executives' suggestions about target audience and made a commercial for his target audience: himself. Fulfilling his dream to play professional baseball in a really pathetic way, Ryan starred in the commercial as a ballplayer who's missed his team's flight. The frequent fliers who judged the ad's success were treated to bad acting and shots of Ryan in his undies. In the end of the commercial, Ryan sat next to a boxer who's delighted not to be traveling with his own team. Many viewers were probably surprised to find out that they even have boxing teams.

Like all the best boxers, Marcela decided to be a team player, and she went along with Ryan's foolish decisions. On several occasions, she did object to the direction the commercial was taking. Unfortunately, by the time she complained, the editing process was well underway and Ryan was half in-the-bag. Apparently, the editing studio had a fridge stocked with beer. Ryan assumed that the editors did all of their work with a buzz, so he helped himself to a few bottles.

It was somewhere around beer number nine that Ryan decided that wordplay and subliminal messages were the key to a quality product. The result was a silly commercial that didn't target the appropriate audience, didn't convey the important points about the product, and didn't test well with the frequent fliers. Bethenny and Dawna may have been on to something when they forbade anyone to give Jim alcohol.

The prize for another Primarius rout was a trip to Martha's estate to ride horses and play Scrabble with her. Many of Martha's rewards have been low key, but that's what's cool about them. Riding in a helicopter or on a yacht is nice, but everything is better when a celebrity is involved. Yardwork with Regis Philbin, grocery shopping with Katie Couric, ultrasound sessions with Tom and Katie: all way cooler than some dumb boat ride.

Ryan took the blame for the commercial's failure in the conference room. He didn't help himself when he justified drinking on the job by saying, "The beer was free." Martha and the viceroys were also fed up with Marcela's lack of leadership, so both candidates were shown the door.

Next week, the three remaining candidates face grueling job interviews. Jim's won't be able to mask his unprofessionalism, and he's likely to be eliminated before the final task. Dawna is more than qualified to win the job, and Bethenny has shown amazing competence and an intensity that's hard to ignore.

We Had a Meltdown

The inevitable finally happened: the Godlewski sisters imploded on tonight's penultimate episode of The Amazing Race: Family Edition. The four blondes showed America that, even though you love your family, you don't always have to like them. More accurately, you don't even have to pretend to tolerate your family. So much for growing closer together as a result of a shared experience.

Bickering was the Godlewski's ultimate undoing. During the final Roadblock, Sharon decided she'd rather walk the golf course while searching for brightly-colored golf balls than ride in a golf cart with Michelle. Sharon thought Michelle was driving erratically in order to throw her from the cart. While the Godlewskis might not have been able to beat the Weavers to the mat for third place anyway, teamwork would've made the finish much closer and would've allowed them to depart with dignity.

Wally Bransen and his girls finished this leg in first place, earning them a new Buick Lucerne (yes, the same Lucerne featured on The Apprentice: Martha). Don't be surprised to see the Bransens finish in third place next week because, now that Wally's got his Buick, he's just not that into the race anymore. Hell, if it'd been a Lincoln Town Car, he would've let the Godlewskis take his family's place in the finale.

The Linzes finished this leg in a close second, setting them up with a good chance to win the $1 million. They're in the best shape and have been performing well on Detours and Roadblocks recently. So long as there are no complicated driving directions, the Linzes should be assured of victory. The only thing that could stop them is a Roadblock requiring team members to refrain from making fart jokes.

Look for the Weaver family, this week's third place finishers, to finish in second place next week. They've struggled while driving lately, including getting pulled over for speeding this week. The Weavers feel as if everyone is against them, and that's been weighing on them more heavily with each day. If they lose, they've got plenty of excuses lined up already. Because they've stopped holding themselves accountable for their own performance, there's not much to motivate them to win.

If the Weavers do win, it will be an ending almost as unsatisfying as Flo the Quitter winning Season 3. But at least Flo won without counting on Jesus to pick up the slack.

Lessons For The Real World

When MTV launched its first season of The Real World in 1992, the young adults cast were eager to learn about themselves and different types of people. Throughout the early seasons, one trait all of the roommates had in common was a desire to experience new things that would help them grow as people.

By The Real World’s twelfth season, filmed in Las Vegas, cast members had stopped seeing the show as an opportunity for self-development. Instead, it was a means to achieve some temporary, low-level fame. Drinking and debauchery took precedence over understanding people of different races and backgrounds. It’s hard to see what any of the cast members from recent seasons actually learned from their experience.

Here’s a list of some of the lessons the cast members from The Real World: Austin should’ve learned (but didn't) while they shared a loft, and who should’ve learned each lesson:

#1 – Being honest isn’t the same as being mean. (Lacey)
Lacey was always happy to point out her roommates' flaws, usually to her boyfriend or to a roommate other than the person in question. As the only non-lush in the house, and living away from her boyfriend, it’s easy to see how Lacey felt like an outsider. She belittled her roommates so that she’d feel superior, and then justified her actions by (eventually) telling everyone what she’d said about them behind their backs. Lacey’s defense was that she was just being honest, and that people don’t like to hear the truth about themselves. She’s right; people usually don’t like to hear unsolicited, unconstructive, critical truths.

What’s really unfortunate is that, when the show started, all of the roommates seemed to look up to Lacey. She’s smart and hip, and she’s got a career that she loves. She’s even got a boyfriend (a sweet one) who’s in a wheelchair, something that would drive most women in their early twenties away. Lacey knows that it’s what on the inside of a person that counts. If she believed that about herself, she wouldn’t need to bash other people in order to feel better.

#2 – Everyone has to grow up sometime. (Wes)
Drinking too much and having a crappy work ethic are unappealing habits. Society tolerates these actions from young adults while they are in high school and college, but not beyond that. Time’s running out for Wes. He has said he would like to run his own business. By appearing on TV, he had a great chance to impress potential investors. But Wes squandered his chance at marketability when he treated his documentary filmmaker job only as an impediment to his partying. Because he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behavior, it’s going to be a long time before Wes stops acting like a kid and starts acting like an adult.

#3 – Learn the difference between right and wrong. (Johanna)
On the reunion show, Johanna said she learned nothing from her arrest. She brushed off the incident by saying that she only stole a rose. Replace the word rose with football, or necklace, or car, and it’s still the same thing: theft. It’s embarrassing that a college graduate can’t understand the concept of personal property.

What’s more frightening is Johanna’s aspiration to become a social worker. How could someone with such a dysfunctional moral compass give credible guidance? Johanna’s advice to Rachel after her fight with Nehemiah and Wes was to keep her anger in her heart. Bottling up emotions isn't an acceptable form of anger management. It’s probably best that Johanna pursue another career until she understands more about dealing with emotions. And cops.

#4 – Reading has many merits. (Rachel)
Rachel reminds us that, in order for the average IQ to be 100, somebody has to score below that. It’s time Rachel stopped drinking and turned to reading as her primary leisure time activity. Perhaps some books by Chris Crutcher would help her find better ways to deal with bullies. Maybe some of Maya Angelou’s poems would help her feel strong enough to stand up for herself. If those authors won’t do, the Berenstain Bears have a lot of good books. The books aren’t that long, and there are lots of pictures. They probably even have a book on bed wetting, which is apparently a problem for Rachel when she’s drunk, according to previews for Tuesday night's clip show, The S@#t They Should Have Shown.

#5 – Don’t live your life in fear. (Danny)
Danny spends every second of the day fearing that the people he loves will abandon him. This fear comes from an obvious source: his mother left the family when Danny was young, during the worst part of her battle with alcoholism. Danny criticized the way editors portrayed his relationship with his mother, claiming that they got along fine. But that doesn’t explain his pathological need to push his girlfriend Melinda away, which sounds a lot like something that the adult child of an alcoholic would do.

Rather than risk Melinda leaving him, Danny dumped her first, and on several occasions. His finest moment came on vacation in Costa Rica, when he dumped Melinda after she admitted that, if they weren’t together, she’d have sex with someone else. Danny must have thought Melinda would’ve entered a convent had she not met him.

According to the roommates, Danny is now taking advantage of his 15 minutes of fame. He’s dropped his old friends and focused on advancing his limited celebrity, including proposing to Melinda on-camera for a previously-taped segment aired during the reunion.

Instead of realizing that he’s on his way to alienating everyone who really cares about him, Danny blames everyone but himself. His problems are never his fault: my roommates are jerks, the editors are out to get me, Melinda’s a slut, and my mom is dead. He has to stop being afraid to look at the role he plays in his own problems before the addictive tendencies that he inherited get the best of him. Giving up alcohol would help, too. Things are going to get worse for him before they get better, no matter what happens, and he’s got to take his lumps like a man. He can only hope that none of those lumps wind up on his face.

#6 – You deserve better. (Melinda)
Some piece of Melinda’s past is missing from the image she presented on The Real World. She left out the part where someone convinced her that she was ugly and unlovable. That would explain why she initially thought Danny wouldn’t be interested in her. And it would explain why she puts up with someone who breaks up with her whenever he drinks too much and who forbids her from going out with her friends.

Melinda's so brainwashed that she can’t look at Danny’s behavior objectively anymore, siding with him no matter what ludicrous arguments come out of his mouth. Melinda, you don’t need Danny. You can find someone better than him. And since Danny’s face got caved in, someone better looking, too.

#7 - Violence isn’t the answer. (Nehemiah)
Having grown up with a mother who made drugs a priority instead of her son, it’s easy to see why Nehemiah has trouble trusting people. What’s harder to understand is why violence is always his first choice of action. If he’s not punching someone or pushing girls out of his way, he intimidates people by posing as if he is going to hit them. That kind of aggressive posturing isn’t instinctive. It’s learned.

While it’s sad that he had to learn to take care of himself by landing the first punch, it’s still wrong. You can’t hit someone just because they make you mad. And a drunken stupor is no excuse. Just like driving drunk, it means you didn’t care enough about others to keep some measure of self-control.

Nehemiah has some major problems, or else he wouldn't have sabotaged the opportunities he was given on The Real World. He’s a film student whose job was to make a movie. He was introduced to professionals in the field. But when he should have been home working on the project, Nehemiah went out, drank, and got arrested. He’s violent, irresponsible, and unremorseful. Who’d want to work with someone like that? Nehemiah needs to see a therapist before he gets himself into real trouble.

Scumbags

Do you hear that? That mournful sound is the wailing of doormen across the country crying out for their brother, Judd, the latest castaway voted off of Survivor: Guatemala. Judd's gentle, honest, and coherent nature made him an ambassador for doormen everywhere. And if you don't think so, you're a scumbag.

This episode's Reward Challenge gave Judd the perfect opportunity to inadvertently engineer his own demise. It was time for another Survivor auction, where contestants bid on healthy snacks like beef jerky, cookies and milk, and a Philly cheesesteak. Danni took home the lion's share of the booty, buying the beef jerky for herself and sharing the cheesesteak with Rafe. Danni also purchased the most important item up for bid, a clue to help her win the next Immunity Challenge.

The final reward up for bid was the inevitable family visit. Survivors' relatives paraded out of the jungle so that the Skinny Six could bid on a night at camp with a loved one. Cindy, who was out of the running after dropping much of her wad on the cookies, loaned Judd the money to buy a night with his mafia moll wife. The woman wore a lime green, terrycloth jumpsuit into the jungle, man! How are you planning to use the can when you're wearing a one-piece? Judd seemed to dig the outfit and said that looking at his wife was "like eating twenty-five White Castle cheeseburgers, man." Apparently Judd missed the Seinfeld episode where George tried to combine food and sex into one perverted activity. George couldn't eat a pastrami sandwich without getting turned on!

In a shocking twist, which has only been used two or three times each Survivor season, Judd got to pick two people to share in his reward. The remaining tribe members would have to spend the night in exile at the old Yaxha camp. Judd let Cindy bring her twin sister, Mindy (not a joke), since she loaned him money.

This was where things went wrong for Judd. He could've picked Rafe, who was predictably crying at the sight of his mother. He could've picked Danni, whose brother looks like a bigger version of Rafe, so it would have been like picking a fourth tribe member to share in the reward. Or, Judd could've picked Lydia so that she could spend a night with the brother she hasn't seen for two years. Instead, misguided loyalty won out over intelligent gameplay and Judd allowed Steph to bring her bland boyfriend Mike back to camp.

Rafe, Danni, and Lydia were the worst three people to leave together. Danni and Lydia were both fighting for their lives, and Rafe's the smartest person on the island. They decided that if Stephenie had proof Judd would turn on her, she'd turn on him first. All they needed to do was return to camp and get Judd to put his foot in his mouth.

It didn't take long for that to happen. Lydia asked Judd how badly he wanted to be in the final two, and what he was willing to do to get there. Danni walked over just in time to hear Judd say that he knew who was really in control and that they all had to do what was necessary to win. He even threw in his favorite squirrel trying to get a nut analogy. Lydia and Danni felt they had enough ammo to convince Steph to turn against Judd.

The Immunity Challenge was essentially a 3-D version of the Intellivision game Snafu. Contestants moved across a tiled board in turn and weren't able to stand on any tile that had been previously stepped on by any contestant. The object was to keep moving for as long as possible without getting painted into a corner. Danni was able to use the clue she purchased to swap positions on the game board with any tribe member. She switched spots with Steph and went on to win Immunity.

Any plans to oust Danni were put on hold, and the alliance decided to boot their second choice, Lydia. But Danni got to Stephenie, telling her about Judd's budding plans to get rid of her. Steph reasoned that Judd had already lied a lot and Danni hadn't, so Danni was probably telling the truth. The two ladies discussed the matter with Rafe, and Judd's fate was sealed. Lydia was brought in as the fourth vote, leaving Cindy and Judd as the only two without a clue.

Upon arriving at Tribal Council, where jury member Jamie wore a hideous, hot pink ringer tee, Judd told the group that whoever was voted out would just have to deal with it. Jeff read the votes, and Judd proceeded to not deal with it. Leaving as graciously as could be expected, Judd wished that the remaining contestants be bitten by a freakin' crocodile and then called them scumbags, twice.

Judd's ranting continued in his exit interview. He was pissed about being blindsided, unlike previous blindside victims Jamie and Brian, who viewed it as a sign of respect. Best of all, Judd was mad that he'd been lied to since he hadn't lied in the game. Just last week, Judd admitted that he lied about the location of the hidden Immunity Idol! How quickly some people forget.

In case anyone was wondering, that wasn't a cardboard cutout of Judd sitting on the couch during the Febreze Family Moment. It was Judd's twin, who apparently isn't shaving until Judd comes home with $1 million. Good luck with that, Rip Van Winkle. And no, the twin's name doesn't rhyme with Judd.

Guatemala will be a sadder place without Judd. But he assured viewers in his exit interview that he'd have a lot to say to the final two contestants at the last Tribal Council. We can only hope for some ridiculous prepared speech that rivals Sue Hawk's explosion from the first season. Until then, this cheeseburger's for you, man.